Writing Again

It has been two years since I have written here.  It feels strange to even be here, as if I have traveled back in time to my earliest years of parenting, when I was up to my ears in babies and more babies and nothing but babies.

Life is so different now.  I am so different. 

Those early years were long days and so much quiet.  So much quiet and loneliness and what do we do with all of these endless hours.  And I was so young.  I am aware that one day, years from now, I will look back on my mid-thirties and think, "I was so young..." but right now this is how I look back on my twenties--I was so, so very young.

That little baby that I used to write about is speeding towards the teen years.  She is ten years old, standing on the precipice of childhood.  Teetering here.  We are so on the verge of teenager.  I hear it in the way she speaks and questions and stretches awkwardly into who she will one day become.  She is now ballerina and writer and reader and such a person beyond me.  It is the cliche-est of cliches, but where did my tiny baby go.  I remember that first night in the hospital, unwrapping her tight swaddle, just to look at her.  I couldn't believe she was mine.  I felt like I needed to ask permission to even touch her.  I was the mother??  How could that even be??

And ten years later, I am lost in motherhood, drowning in it.  I feel like I can mother a newborn in my sleep.  Because, of course, I have.  The years are a sleepy blur of nursing and baths and swaddles and babies on hips and budgeting.  The grocery lists, and ballet shoes, and laundry piles, and multiplication tables, and on and on it goes.  I am so very lost.  And there is so much we didn't know, couldn't have prepared for.  A special needs, "on the spectrum" child.  And a  fourth baby who rocked our world, but so quickly became our sweetheart.  We will say it for all of his days, "what if we hadn't had our Charles???" It is the most unexpected things, the hardest things, that have also been the sweetest.

But God has used these things to show me, teach me, imprint it on my heart and my mind, that HE is wisdom, HE is compassion, HE is strength, and if I feel lost, well, I must lose myself in him, and HE will make my paths straight.  The years have passed, and what I have learned is that I know so much less than I even realized, but I serve a God who has promised that he will give wisdom in abundance, we need only ask.

He is a good, good father.  He loves my children even more than I can fathom.  He has planned the details of their lives, and nothing surprises him.  He is a God of order, and can bring peace to my chaos.  He does bring peach to my chaos. 

Wrapping Up the School Year

It is Sunday afternoon, and I am listening to Evie whine in her bed because she needs to go to sleep, but she slept for a full ten minutes in the car on the way home from church, and she thinks that qualifies for her afternoon nap.  Think again, my sweet little toddler.  Mama and daddy need some rest time. 

I am also in the process of weaning her.  At seventeen months, this is the longest I have nursed one of my children, and I am so very thankful that I was able to keep it up this long  However, this child will not take a bottle--never has other than one or two her first week of life.  She will drink out of a cup all day long, but come 3 am, she wants me, and only me.  Well, Scott and I have the opportunity to get away for a very quick, not even 24 hour, anniversary celebration, IF I can get her to sleep through the night without an early morning feeding.  So, this week is operation stop nursing.  Plus, I am just feeling ready to move on.  One year was my goal, so after that I have been playing it by ear, both willing to keep going and willing to stop, and I am ready now.  Ready to move on to the next phase of motherhood. 

We are in a season of wrapping things up.  We are wrapping up Evie's babyhood and transitioning into the toddler years.  And we are also trying to wrap up the school year so we can fully enjoy the summer months.  We have completed the classical conversations year--24 weeks of memory work covering history timeline, history sentence, science, math, latin, geography, and English grammar--and now we are working our tails off to finish Ada's math book by the end of May.  I want a full two months of nothing that HAS to be done.  Of course we will read --out loud, silently, together, on our own-- but without the pressure of an official school day.

Part of the Georgia homeschool law is that I am supposed to write a brief synopsis summing up Ada's school year.  So, I am going to do that here on the blog over the next few days and weeks, covering each subject that is required by Georgia Law AND all of the extra things that we have done.

It has been a tough homeschooling year, one where I have more often than not felt so very inadequate for the task before me, so it will be good for me to look back at what we have actually accomplished and to see where we are going in the coming year.

Returning to the Gospel, Again and Again

We've had a hard day.  We all have them from time to time, don't we?  Nothing specifically went wrong; I just seemed to be unable to get anything done.  And the house was a wreck.  And I had to remind Ada over and over and over again to sit still and pay attention and get your work done.  And sweet Evie pea followed me around the house, undoing any cleaning that I actually managed to get done.  By noon, I felt very discouraged, and I couldn't even remember why I was homeschooling in the first place. 

But now, now the day is done, and I am making myself sit down and remind myself why I decided to do this in the first place, so that I can start tomorrow with fresh vision.

My goal here, which I forget over and over again, is to live out the gospel in daily life with my children.  I want them home with me, so that while they are young, I can naturally help them respond to daily living with the truth of the gospel.  Today, their room was so messy, and I have told them so many times to clean it, and I just lost it with them.  Lost it.  And I took a minute, and I texted a friend, and I called Scott, and I prayed.  And then I gathered them around me in their room, and I apologized.  And I reminded them of the reality of sin and the reality that we live in a fallen world.  That the mess and the chaos and the yelling--that is not how it is supposed to be.  And I reminded them that as much as I hate the sin and the mess (the mess of the house and the mess of us) that we have hope because God has promised that one day he will return and he will make all things new.  It won't always be like this!!  AND I reminded them that we also can have hope because in the mean time, God has given us a helper--the holy spirit, to strengthen us in our weakness, to convict us of our sin, to enable us to turn away from that sin.  And then we prayed, we thanked God for Jesus, who saw us in our mess and knew we had no way out apart from him.  And we thanked God for the holy spirit, who is our helper, and we asked for help.  Help us, Jesus!!  And we thanked God for the hope that one day he will return and make all things new!!!  Hallelujah!!

And, as I prayed, and as they prayed, John also kept getting up and running around the room and asking me if we were done, and Ada's prayer seemed very half-hearted, and even as I told them ALL of the above, I felt discouraged again.  But this is why I have them home with me.  Because living the ins and outs of daily life with anyone provides so much opportunity for gospel application.  One day, one morning, one hour of this life shows us the reality of our sin and this fallen world.  We are a mess, and I want to be here to tell them the answer to the mess.  It's Jesus!!  And they may roll their eyes or ask if we are done, but I believe that if we keep going back to the gospel over and over again, and if we keep going to his word together, it will not return void.  I am trusting that God will use my feeble attempts at gospel talk to change their little hearts.  Now, I know that he certainly doesn't need me to change their hearts, but what a privilege if he allows me to play a role.

My prayer is that he would turn their hearts to Him, and that they would love Him with all of their heart and soul and mind and strength.  I pray that they would love His word, and that they would love prayer, and that they would spend their lives surrendered to him, surrendered to His will for their lives.  I have them home with me because I want them to know this is what comes first.  Phonics and math and memory work and handwriting, all of this must center around the gospel, and so I homeschool. 

Also, I always pray, always, show me if I am wrong.  Show me if it would be better if they were in public school.  Because, I certainly might be wrong.  But for now, this is where I feel he has called us.  So, I rest in Him on the good days and the bad days.  We run to the gospel on the good days and the bad days.  We run to Him.  He is always the answer.

yesterday at CC, learning about Norman Rockwell. 

Order out of chaos

Well, here I find myself halfway through January of 2015, and no matter how much I try to walk away from the blog, there is always an urging in me to come back to it and record the details of our life. 

Evie is now a year old, fourteen months TODAY, and I am beginning to see through the fog of the past couple of years.  My pregnancy with her was a hard one.  Of course, there are those who have much harder ones than mine, but compared to my other two, hers was a doozy.  I was so uncomfortable and sick to my stomach for the entire pregnancy.  Then she was born, and we entered into the twilight zone that is the first year with a baby.  On top of that, the particular position that Scott had at Home Depot meant that he was working ALL OF THE TIME.  He got home late, and when he did get home, he got his lap top out and worked some more, and we felt like we couldn't ever really get to him.  But now, praise the Lord, he is two weeks into a new job that is so much CLOSER to home, and he has much more normal hours, and we are so very thankful.  We are also so very thankful for his time at Home Depot.  It was a good company, a good job, and it will always be a reminder of how God stepped into what felt like a hopeless situation and placed our feet on solid ground.  And I am thankful that Scott is such a hard worker and that he threw himself into that job and pursued excellence there in that position, BUT, I feel such relief with this new job that he has.  We all do.  In fact, just last week, after several days of Scott being home by six, John said, "mom, do you promise that daddy will always keep THIS job."  Bless him, he went to bed many nights this past year without seeing Scott.  (I realize that is the norm for so many families who go for months at a time without seeing their husband/father at all, but we are still thankful to see Scott on a more regular basis!).  This blog has always been a place where I could record the tangible ways that God provides for our family.  Scott's new job is the latest in that obvious provision.  I can't stop praising God for it. 

 

So, here we are, a new year, Evie is now moving into her toddler years, though she has yet to start walking.  She is my timid one, it seems.  She cruises around, and will walk while holding onto only ONE of my fingers, but she will not let go.  I am content with that.  She will walk when she is ready.

 

I am, of course, still homeschooling.  Though, technically, I am still only homeschooling one child.  Ada is in second grade, and, praise the Lord, this year has been mostly smooth sailing.  Second grade seems to be an easy year--no big learning milestones, really.  She is reading independently, sailing through math lessons, doing well memorizing her CC grammar.  Another way that God is providing.  It has been a hard past year, so for the school portion of it to be easy is a huge gift from the Lord.

All of that to say,  I have been living in survival mode--somewhat out of necessity, and I am ready to move out of that frame of mind.  We are two weeks into this school semester (we have spent these two weeks sick, so it hasn't been a great start), and I am thinking through a better system for our day.  School has to be a priority, obviously, because I am always aware that Ada is in SECOND GRADE, and sometimes I get that same feeling--like that dream that everyone has, where I am in college and it is finals week and I realize that I haven't been to class all semester!--well, I get that feeling sometimes about Ada.  As if she was supposed to start school two years ago, and we didn't start.  Really, I know that she is fine, but sometimes it is overwhelming that the responsibility of her education is ALL MINE.  I want to make sure that I am being a good steward of these years and this choice to educate my children at home.  I want to make the most of it. 

I am hoping--hoping being the important word--that I can start using this blog as a place to reflect and evaluate what is and is not working in our day to day life.  I crave an orderly home, and right now, it is more fly by the seat of our pants.  Some of that is inevitable during this season of life, but I want to be intentional in trying to find possible solutions for the chaos.   

We'll see.  Who knows when I will be back to this online journal of mine.  But my hope, and my plan, is that I will return soon.

Evie will be one on Tuesday.  We celebrated this weekend because during the week there are many nights that Evie is either already in bed or, at the very least, exhausted, by the time Scott gets home, so it made more sense to celebrate early. 

 In light of her coming birthday, I sat down last night after the kids were in bed, and I read back through the small handful of posts I have written over the past year.  And even though the posts were few and far between, I was so glad to have them to look back on.  Upon that realization, I press on with the blog...

I am not a big birthday party planning person.  I am big into celebrating my children, but I get very overwhelmed by the details of a birthday party.  I get very overwhelmed by the details of anything.   I also put a lot of thought into what my children will remember; what things we are marking as important to our family.  And I have realized that what is important to me about any of our birthdays is to celebrate the part each individual plays in our family.  So, we have, rather unintentionally, settled into a tradition of having fun family days for each of our birthdays.  If one of my children specifically asks for a birthday party, then I am fine with that, but I like to give them a little nudge toward choosing an activity instead.  It has become a fun time to go into Atlanta and do something that we would not normally do.  So far, to celebrate birthdays, we have gone to the aquarium, the children's museum, the American Girl store, and yesterday we visited Pink Pig at Lenox Mall.  Each of those outings also included a fun lunch out in Atlanta.  And John has put in a request to go see dinosaur bones for his February birthday, so a trip to Fernbank is forthcoming.  I am hoping this is a tradition that sticks because it has become a great way for us to step back from the daily grind and just have FUN together, and it doesn't involve the stress of planning a birthday party (because, like I said, party planning is NOT my strength). 

Because Evie's birthday is November, we thought we could combine her birthday with another Moore family tradition and visit Atlanta's Pink Pig ride at Macy's in Lenox mall.  John's first Christmas, we received tickets to the Pink Pig (not being from Atlanta, I knew nothing about it), and Ada has asked to go back each year.  It was a fun day, and it was fun to go to Lenox for the day.  I have fond memories of Lenox, because when I was first a stay at home mom still living in Atlanta, I realized that Lenox mall is very empty on weekday mornings, and I needed Ada to nap, so I would load Ada into the car, she would fall asleep on the way to the mall, I would put her car seat into her stroller, and she would nap while I strolled around Lenox, practically having the mall to myself.  I didn't realize how much visiting the mall would bring back those memories, but I was a little bit overwhelmed by the nostalgia.  Anyway...

 

 

On the way home from Atlanta, we stopped by Krispy Kreme donuts, and for her birthday, Evie had her first bite of a hot now Krispy Kreme donut.  She loved it, obviously.  What's not to love.

Bless her little heart, Evie pea was exhausted by the time we got home, AND we had already had donuts, so we decided to wait until Sunday afternoon for cupcakes and presents.  (I confess, the only reason I even gave her any presents was because Ada and John each wanted to give her something.  AND a friend gave us a really precious hand-me-down baby doll that her girls hadn't played with, so that was her birthday gift from us).  And the only reason I even really did the cupcakes/singing happy birthday scene was because I wanted a picture for the record books.  Plus, of course, Ada and John insisted.  I had the birthday candle from MY first birthday, and I really wanted a picture of that.  So, after lunch today, we put her in her highchair, grabbed the cupcake, recorded a quick video, and snapped some pictures.  Evie seemed very overwhelmed, and she wouldn't even touch her cupcake until we fed her some bites with a fork. 

 

 

 

Of course I have many thoughts and reflections about this first year that I hope to blog about, but I feel relieved to have the first birthday celebration recorded.  Though struggling, the little blog lives on...

In My Weakness

Life is a little bit hard right now.  I am not exactly excelling at the job, "homeschooling, mother of three."  And there is this voice in my head that always says you can't complain because you signed up for this gig.  No one forces me to homeschool.  In fact, there is a public elementary school within walking distance of my house.  Sometimes I pitch these tiny (and not so tiny) fits because I want that to be my calling.  I want to be called to public school.  Instead I feel called to classical conversations, and most days I am thankful for that.  I really am.  It's such a contradiction.  In the exact moment that I am crying out to God to give me the energy to get through one more minute because I am so, hang-my-head exhausted, I am also whispering a prayer of thanksgiving that I live in a place where I have this freedom.  I have this choice.  I just don't feel gifted in these areas.  I am not organized.  I never felt pulled towards the elementary age.  Give me high schoolers, and I feel much more in my element.  And in my secret of secret places, I dreamed of teaching at the college level.  But here I am, "L says..." with my four year old.  And he dumped all gazillion of the rubber bands out on the school room floor today.  And Evie has gone back to 45 minute naps during this stage of crawling and putting every single small, choking hazard type object into her mouth.  And Ada has developed the habit of rolling her eyes, but when I call her on it, she claims, "I don't know that I am doing it," and I wave the white flag.  Evie is nine months old, and I wave the white flag.  I am not getting better at parenting three.  In fact, I think I am getting worse. 

I think it is a good thing, though, maybe, for my children to have a front row view of my brokenness.  Maybe?  Because all pretense of having it all together ended a long time ago.  This morning alone, I yelled, apologized, yelled, apologized, yelled again, apologized again.  And I tell them, his grace doesn't run out.  I am going to fail them again and again and again and again and again.  He won't.  And we keep preaching the gospel to ourselves.  I tell them, He did it perfectly.  He was the perfect seven year old.  He got it right every time.  In our place, knowing we were failures, he got it right.  And then, in our place, he took the punishment. 

I am exhausted, ya'll.  It's exhausting to never, ever have a break from motherhood.  But this is what he has called me to do, and I keep reminding Him, "you're power is made perfect in my weakness!"  It is my mantra.  Because I have never been more weak.

Still Choosing Joy

I am back to list some more. 

I am thankful for

1.  summer time.  We were burned out back in June when we declared that first grade was done, but now after plenty of staying up late to play outside, sleeping in, swimming in the pool and at the beach, and just plain lazing around, we are ready to get back to a schedule.  I am thankful that God provides rest.  Rest in Him and what he has done AND tangible rest. 

2.  our homeschool room.  It is small, but it is also just right.  It is the random little room in our old house that seems picked out just for our school room.  The best part--so much natural light to keep our spirits high.  No more packing up my school stuff off of the dining room table so that we can eat dinner every night.  It feels like a luxury to have an entire room dedicated just to school.

3.  summer produce.  Berries and tomatoes and watermelon and peaches, and I could go on and on.  An abundance.

4.  sleeping Evie and crying Evie and an Evie who is attached to me ALL OF THE TIME.  It is claustrophobic and draining, but it is also intoxicating to have this precious girl.  We all love her so much, and she knows it ;)  She has an adoring audience that always surrounds her.

5.  .99 iced coffee.  Just the thing to get me through a long, sleepy afternoon.  And it is just around the corner from my house.  On that note, we are eagerly waiting for the brand new chick-fil-a to open "just around the corner from my house."  So, lots of little treats close by.

6.  Today specifically, I am thankful for free kids meals for Ada and John--a library summer reading prize.  We are going out tonight!!

I honestly could go on and on. 

OH!!  7.  I am thankful for supplements that my mom sent that I just started taking yesterday, and already I feel WAY more energized and my mood is much improved. 

Again, I could go on and on and on...  God has given in abundance.

Choosing Joy

I don't think anyone really reads blogs anymore.  I don't really, except to quickly see what is on sale at what grocery store, and does that even really count?  It's all about instagram and facebook, right?  But this has always been a place for me to put down my stones of rememberance.  To force myself to stop and look and see what God is doing right here in my everyday--a record of his faithfulness to me and my crew.

I am wading through some heavy duty post-partum "feelings" these days as I try to work out an appropriate treatment plan.  The medication I was on, only seemed to make the situation worse, so I am now trying to go off of said medication and try a more natural route, via essential oils and supplements.  Currently I am waiting on the EOs and supplements to arrive in the mailbox, and in the mean time I fighting some crazy emotions.  Lucky Scott ;)  Lucky Ada, John, and Evie ;)  And lucky my mother who I am currently calling on a daily basis to say, "tell me it's all going to be okay."  And, can we all nod in agreement that this dinner time, bath time, fussy baby, fussy mama, will daddy ever be home from work, time of day can do a number on the joyful feelings.  Right?

So...I am jumping back into blogging with a little list of things I am thankful for.  And I am going to most likely do that daily, not because I think anyone will read this, but because God sees me, even in my mess, and I want to force myself to stop and see that fact. 

Here I go.  I didn't even plan to write this many words.  I was just going to list.

1.  Microwave bacon marked down at Kroger today.  I didn't have one single clue what we were going to eat for dinner tonight, but we did have fresh tomatoes on the counter, and when I saw that the bacon was marked down (manager's special) to 1.50, I knew that it might not be a healthy dinner, but it would be dinner, and that was good enough.  BLT's it was.  (minus the lettuce.  oops, I forgot to buy the lettuce).

2.  I am thankful for those fresh tomatoes.  On Saturday, I desperately wanted some fresh tomatoes.  And my brain isn't so logical these days, so when we had driven around all over our town, because I thought that surely we would find someone selling fresh tomatoes, but there was not a tomato to be found, I might have cried a tear or two.  (I'm not joking.  Like I said, lucky Scott).  Well, Sunday morning someone brought tomatoes to church to give away.  I was home with a sick Evie, and Scott, Ada, and John walked in, home from church, each holding a big, fresh tomato in their hand.   Ada said, "guess what, someone was selling fresh tomatoes at church today.  And they were free!!" ;)

God sees me.

3.  I am thankful that mom suggested, because Ann has been trying this, that I require my children to have an hour of quiet time in the afternoons.  I have always wanted to enforce something like that, but it felt so impossible to do, but for the sake of my sanity, for the past two days, Ada and John have been required to spend an hour in their room while Evie takes her afternoon nap.  Ada has to quietly read for the first 30 minutes, but she can quietly play for the last 30 minutes.  John is allowed to quietly play for the entire hour.  They are not allowed to come out of their room unless it is an emergency.  (I am finding that their definition of emergency and my definition of emergency are two different things).  Miraculously--praise the Lord--it has worked really well the past two afternoons, and wow!  that quiet hour.  It is good for my soul.

4.  She Reads Truth.  I downloaded this app which has made daily bible study so simple and so easy to do, but at the same time, it is a very rich, in depth study of God's word.  I am always desperate for God's word, but I feel especially desperate for it these days.  Check it out and download it.  It's so great. 

So, there you go.  This list is my version of stopping and taking a deep breath and reigning in these feelings that threaten to get away from me. 

Writing

We--the kiddos and I--just finished a three day parent practicum.  Which is just three days of training in how to homeschool with Classical Conversations.  With specific training as an essentials tutor in how to tutor on Community Day--Tuesdays for us.  The day I get to "play teacher" again and remember the old days. 

What does any of that mean?  It means that we are tired.  Down deep in our bones tired.  Want to crawl in the bed and pull the covers over my head and not come out until tomorrow morning tired.  But alas, there are children who do need things from me.  So, instead I will drink diet coke and coffee and get on with the day.  But I will get on with it, slowly, very slowly. 

I am an introvert.  I think?  It's confusing because I am drained of energy when I have been around people all day long for three days.  I mean, completely, empty of any social abilities, drained of energy.  But I also process out loud.  So...a combination? 

Let me just paint a picture really quickly of the past days--Ada, my happy-go-lucky, I love life, oldest daughter, practically ran into her daily classroom (geography drawing) with hardly a glance over her shoulder to say, "I'll see you at lunch."  This morning she said she wished that "day camp" was all summer long instead of just three days.  That was Ada.  John and Evie, however, were literally both attached to me at one point.  When I tried to drop John off in his classroom, he wrapped both his arms and his legs around my leg, meanwhile, I had a clinging Evie in my arms while I juggled a diaper bag, my tutor bag, and a packed full lunch box/cooler, plus a pointless umbrella stroller that only made Evie cry if I put her in it.  I was quite the spectacle.  We were quite the spectacle.  But, I was surrounded by homeschooling mamas, most with multiple children--many with more children than I have--and they were all quick to help me.  So, no one was judging me, everyone was full of grace and full of practical help!!!  And God was gracious because my son who hates crowded situations where he knows no one, also loves to play by himself in his own little world, so, for the most part, it all went as well as it could go, with John staying by my side all three days.  And Evie slept in my arms a few times, so we survived.  I am getting somewhere with this...

Yesterday morning, I found myself in the "mother's room," where two other moms and I had congregated to nurse our fussy babies and let our toddlers/preschoolers get some energy out away from the auditorium that echoed every sound.  So, of course, as women tend to do, we began to talk, and I found out that another mom in there had also been a high school English teacher before she became a homeschooling mom (to five!!  her oldest being severely handicapped--I wanted to sit and talk to her forever soaking up advice!).  So, we were chatting about English--how much we love British literature, poetry, etc. etc., as she nursed her baby and I nursed mine, and she said, "do you write?"  And I laughed and said, "I used to.  Before."  And we both laughed and the third mom laughed and we made the familiar jokes about, "back when we had time and all of these ideals about what life would look like."  But in the midst of the conversation and the jokes, we also talked about the beauty in this--in our children, our nursing babies and birth and getting to homeschool our children.  We said there is beauty, even in, especially in, the mess.  We talked about why we keep having babies--because it's so hard but it is so beautiful.  And, mostly, we talked about God's grace.  How he gives us the grace.  And I realized that I hate that I don't write anymore.  That here in the midst of what is my life and will be my life for a very long time--Lord willing--that I have separated the writer me from the mama me, and can't they be one in the same?  So, maybe I will try to write more.  Maybe?  Maybe I won't; you know how these things go.  But there is beauty here to record, and I want to write down the beauty.  Some people capture it in photographs and in painting and in a million little ways, and I would like to try to capture it in words.  Inadequate words, sure, but it is the process of writing that brings so much joy. 

So this is my attempt to write again.  And maybe next time someone asks, "do you write?"  I will simply say, "yes."

Last night, so tired, and she just wanted her mama.

Ada and the End of First Grade

I have lots that I want to blog about.  To record.  I always have these thoughts crashing around in my brain, so I am going to try to get them onto "paper" in an organized way, but, let's face it, organization is not my strong point.

I am starting with Ada.  Because she finished first grade on Monday, and that deserves a mention on the blog. 

 (dressed for a celebration trip to the splash pad.  She is really excited to say she is now a second grader!)

(oh, you know, just trying to get a picture of all three of them to document our last day of school.  And this is how it goes).

We have come a long way baby, Ada and I.  I think about the sweat and tears that we both put into these first two years of homeschooling, when at times I was convinced that I was doing more damage than good and my child would never read.  It was my first big test--teaching my first child to read--and I was failing, or at least that is how it felt.  And of course God used that, and uses that to reveal sin and idols and all the ways that I wasn't trusting in him and him alone. 

Anyway, here we are at the end of first grade, and she is reading, indeed.  In fact, she really enjoys reading and is reading for pleasure more and more and more.  And last week, she finished her first chapter book that she read completely on her own, simply because she wanted to.  We took a picture, because, hello!!  a big moment for her book-loving mama.  I so hope it is the first of many books she will get lost in over the years.

Ada continues to enjoy school, as Ada enjoys much of life--she is a very happy person--but she is definitely not a perfectionist.  I was a perfectionist when it came to school, so I over and over and over again have to remember that God has created Ada to be Ada and not just a little me.  I pray that he would show me how to best guide and direct her.  I want to teach her excellence without letting my sin of perfectionism get in the way.  Homeschooling is yet another way that God refines me.

Let's see--Ada as a student at the end of first grade--we are still working on being still and focusing.  She is an active little girl--absolutely overflowing with energy--and it is a challenge (to say the least) for her to sit still and pay attention.  But, alas, it is a skill she must learn, so there are times that I allow her to move around and dance and hop while we do school, but there are times that she is required to be still.  I often lose my patience over her lack of self control, and so many days end with my apologizing for snapping at her.  She is so easily distracted, and it drives me CRAZY, but, again, we are working on it. 

It has been a very fun year as Ada really became interested in a lot of the history we were learning.  It has been very rewarding to discuss history with her and look at how, over and over again, history proves our need for the gospel.  We continue to love CC, and the longer we are involved with CC, the more strongly I believe in the classical model of education.  I can get a little intense about it if I start talking about it, so I won't get into it right now ;) 

We have also seen Ada grow as a ballerina.  She LOVES ballet.  She literally sits on the edge of her seat if she is watching ballet on stage, and she has stars in her eyes as she dreams of what her future as a ballerina might look like.  She talks about pointe shoes all of the time, and constantly practices her arabesques and plies and pirouettes.  She also says that when she grows up she will be a ballet teacher.  Ada loves being on stage, and ballet does seem to come naturally for her, so we are also excited to see what the next few years will hold, all while praying that God will help us to see all the ways that he has strengthened Ada (and each of our children) and that we will be good stewards of these little lives.  We always want to remind Ada (and each of our children) that God gives us good things, but God must always be the ultimate thing.

It was a doozy of a school year as we began the year in the midst of a rather difficult pregnancy, a move, and then a newborn baby.  We have limped our way through, though, and gotten it done.  And I end the year with more confidence in who I am and what I believe as a homeschooling mom.  Mostly, I am so very thankful that God allows me to do this.  That for now, I am home with my children and I get to be right here watching as they grow into the people that God has created them to be. 

Adjusting

We are all over here in our little world still adjusting and figuring out this new life of parenting three.  Actually, I think we have pretty much adjusted and forgotten what it was like to not have Evie, and we have settled back into that stage of things are harder because we have an infant, and everyone else in the family seems fine with it all.  I just have these pesky hormones that never seem to settle into any kind of normalcy until I am done nursing, which is still months away, so...there's that.  But we're hanging in there and figuring it out and praying a lot and also calling my mom and sister and friends to say remind that this is normal.  Tell me that how I feel is normal. 

What to report?

Evie is still a stinker, waking up multiple, multiple times a night--every two hours?  And then every once in a while, just to keep me on my toes, she'll sleep all. night. long.  I'm talking 7:00 pm to 6:00 am, and then the next night, back to every two hours.  Who knows?  And she still only naps in 45 minute increments.  Though, again, she likes to switch it up a bit and throw in a long nap every once in a while just to show me how nice it would be if she did that every day ;)  But we sure do love her.  I can't stop kissing her cheeks and her fuzzy head and her little feet.  And in the midst of the hard that comes with parenting, I also still have so many moments of awe that I get to do this.  That I get to be their mom.  I will say it a million times--what a gift to be their mother.  To have these children.

John told us the other night, out of the blue, that when he was a little boy he used to have a different family.  Three brothers, a sister, and another mom and dad.  I asked him about his other mom, and he explained that his other mom is different than me because his other mom is never mean.  I asked him, just to clarify, if I am mean.  And he got this look on his face, like "I hate to tell you this mom, but..." and then he nodded his head yes, so it turns out, if someone asked John to describe me, mean would be one of the adjectives.  Also, his other mom has less freckles than me, except he calls them sprinkles.  By the way, Scott was laughing very hard as John broke the mean news to me.  I made a point to say that I bet his other mom doesn't cook his dinner and do his laundry and find his lost ninja turtle a million times a day.  And to that he explained that his other mom took him to toys r us and bought him LOTS of ninja turtle toys.  So...

We are in a good season of homeschooling, where things are going smoothly.  I don't take that for granted because I know that our hard season will come around again, but I am thankful for this sweet moment in time.  Ada is really loving history these days, and we are reading an autobiography of Corrie Ten Boom, which goes well with lots that we have learned about World War II.  This is my first year to begin to see the fruit of classical education, as Ada begins to make connections.  She hears the words Prime Minister and asks, "Churchill?"  and when she heard in the autobiography that something evil was rising in Germany, Ada answered, "I bet it's Hitler."  I love the conversations that are happening as a result of our Classical Conversations memory work.  It gives me the motivation to press on in the midst of the hard.  And there is plenty of hard, but I want to record the good too.  The fruit of our labor.  Today, she and John were playing outside, and I went to check on them.  They were busy in that bright sunshine playing Corrie Ten Boom, with the back yard gate being the door to their secret room.  In that moment, motherhood was going just as I imagined it would go--my children outside, playing together, acting out scenes about historical heroes of the faith...picture music playing in the background as the stars aligned.  About fifteen minutes later, they were back inside, mad because I wouldn't let them watch cartoons and Ada settled for reading a my little pony book instead--not the same picture ;)  (also, keeping it real, Ada bombed a spelling test today, so there is definitely still hard in the midst of the good ;) ) 

So, life marches on.  And I am thankful for where we are.  There is lots of hard and exhausting and overwhelming during this season, but there is also lots of good and rewarding and sweet. 

John turns four

John at four, because how can I not document a birthday on the blog?

He turned four on February 8th, and celebrated with a stomach virus.  Bless him.  Scott's parents and niece were here, and we had invited a few families from church to eat pizza with us, but we quickly cancelled that when we realized he was sick.  So...he spent his birthday lying on the couch.  It broke my heart a little bit. 

But he felt better by the next afternoon, and our little family of five quickly rallied and picked up an appropriately themed cake and celebrated after all. 

At four John is growing up right before my eyes.  He is super independent these days.  He wants to do everything by himself, and it tries my patience ;)  I have to remind myself that I must let him struggle through these essential daily skills if he is going to grow.  But goodness gracious the time it takes for him to dress himself or buckle his seat belt or whatever else fills in the blank of things an independent four year old tries to do.  He also no longer loves to cuddle with me.  He actually reminds me of myself in that way.  I am not naturally a hugger or a cuddler and I crave my space.  John seems to be that way (unlike Ada!!)  At bed time, Scott lies in the bed with Ada and I lie in the bed with John while we read and pray.  Well, John wants me in the bed, but he doesn't want me to touch him.  And I am only "allowed" to kiss him on the top of his head.  I can not kiss his cheek.  And one night, after we had a hard day of disobedience and discipline, I was trying to talk to him and have a good moment with him before bed, and he humoured me for a while until he sighed, and said, "can I go to sleep now, mom?"  He is my boy, and I already see glimpses of how different that relationship will look from my relationship with Ada. 

Though he can still be moody, he doesn't have the strong feelings that I suspected he would have.  Things roll off of him a lot, in a way that they don't roll off of Ada.  In fact, I really thought he would have a strong reaction to Evie's birth, but it never even phased him.  It was as if nothing had changed.  He does still seem to be a major introvert, and prefers home and even playing by himself.

At four he creates little pretend worlds all the time, usually involving good guys vs. bad guys and things like "saving the day" and "protecting his family," and things like that.  He is very into ninja turtles right now, and daily assigns a different turtle identity to each member of the family.  Even Evie becomes a turtle.  He had some birthday money, and he used the money to buy a ninja turtle.  (he had one other one from a happy meal, which is how the ninja turtle obsession began).  Well, a few days ago, he mentioned that he couldn't find the ninja turtle, and as of last night, he still hadn't found it, and we were all becoming concerned.  I asked him if he wanted to pray about it, and I reminded him that God knew where it was, even though none of us did.  So, we prayed about it, asking God to help us find that ninja turtle.  Well, today, we were all gathered in my bedroom (Scott was still at work), while I nursed Evie.  John and Ada were just sort of hanging out, and John was looking out the bedroom window, sort of absent-mindedly.  All of a sudden he very enthusiastically yelled, "my ninja turtle!!"  it was lying in the grass in the front yard, and he happened to notice it while looking out the window!!!  He and Ada ran outside to get it, and, I kid you not, he had tears in his eyes because he was so excited to have it back.  I reminded him that we had prayed about it, and he said very excitedly, "God found my ninja turtle!"  I know it sounds trivial, but to his four year old heart, I was so thankful for this very big deal in his world that begins to reveal truth to him.  God is big, so much bigger than us, and when he can't find his ninja turtle, he can turn to God about that.

It's also a big year for John as he shifted from youngest to middle child.  He loves Evie so much.  All day long he says, "where's my cute girl?  How's my cute girl?"  And he practically smothers her with his hugs, kisses, and shared toys.  Maybe that is the cause of the independent streak--he is stepping into his new responsibility of big brother ;)

We love our John.  We are so thankful for him.  With Evie, I feel this need, more than ever, to somehow savor this baby stage--soaking in the sounds, smells, cuddles--you know.  (as if it is really possible to soak it in or slow down time), but while I am extra-obsessed with Evie ;), I am also seeing how much fun it is to watch my children grow into their God-given personalities.  It's so exciting to see who God has created them to be, in a way that I can't see when they are babies.  So, as bittersweet as it may be for the years to pass, it's also really fun to watch who John is becoming. 

Life

(I wrote this on Saturday, but I am just now posting.  Obviously, lots of life has happened since writing this...)

I am so focused on wanting to blog about Evie because right now at our house she is what we are all obsessed with, but in the mean time, life is going on and things are happening that don't directly involve her. 

(a sick John and Evie in a super tacky outfit because she had spit up and been changed so many times that this is all we were left with.  On this day they both wanted mom.  Only mom would do.)

She is, of course, always indirectly involved in every single thing.  I had forgotten how much a nursing baby controls my life.  Today I went to the grocery store, and I had a rather long list.  I am back into couponing full swing, plus I am trying to shop for two weeks at a time versus one (other than the "fresh" things that I need to buy each week--milk, produce, etc.).  Anyway, I nursed Evie, and sprinted out the door, the clock ticking before I even left the driveway.  And I felt panicky because I was gone for two hours.  She, miraculously slept almost the whole time I was gone, but that is the exception.  She is attached to me, and it slows things down a bit.  a lot.  I love nursing my babies; I really do, and I am pretty hard core committed to doing whatever needs to be done to make it happen (after our unfortunate nursing experience with Ada, not taking for granted the fact that Evie is a good nurser.  it doesn't always work out that way), but there is also quite the sense of freedom when I am done nursing (freedom mixed with sadness).  So there is this adjustment going on right now as I am reminded of how very attached to me a baby is that first year (year and half, let's get real).  Some days I wish I could find a place to hide.  But, also, I love every second of it.  So many emotions.

 (Her cheeks.  I can't get over her cheeks)

So, other than the fact that Evie is so very attached to me right now and so much does revolve around her, life does march on as always. 

(My John.  He seems so big to me these days!  A week away from 4!!)

There is first grade.  I think we are finally in a rhythm, a routine, a this is how we do school in our family versus how I thought it would look.  I have heard so many times, been warned by so many articles and veteran homeschooling mamas, "don't try to make school at home look like school at school."  It's not the same.  Yet, yet, I did have this pretty little picture in my head.  Us all waking up at 7ish, doing our morning chores (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha), eating breakfast and getting dressed, and then all sitting down to begin our school day.  It was such an orderly picture in my mind.  It turns out, that's not how homeschool works for us.  I have been fighting that for a while.  Instead of just going with what does work for us, I kept trying to make it look like the picture.  But, oddly enough, the birth of Evie is sort of what forced me into a routine that is finally working.  We just fit it in.  We do school all of the time.  I mean, we start in the mornings, first thing, some times we have already eaten breakfast, some times we haven't.  Ada might already be in dress up clothes--a princess dress or ballet leotard or maybe just her pajamas.  And I most certainly am still in pajamas, mascara still under my eyes, but we just jump in.  We quickly review our memory work for the week.  We do that first thing because it was always the thing that I let slide.  I start there because I know that I will get the phonics and the math done, so I start with the hardest thing to swallow.  I don't know why memory work has been that thing for us, but now we just jump in, pajamas, unbrushed hair, and all.  Then, if miraculously, Evie is still sleeping or back down for a morning nap, I quickly go over all that Ada can do on her own without me--her math facts, her copy work, her math worksheet, etc. etc, and then I sit her down to work on it, while I run get in the shower.  If she finishes, she gets to have a break--whatever she feels like doing.  Most likely, she will bring things for me to check while I am drying my hair, and almost daily she has to redo something.  Ada, it turns out, is not a perfectionist.  She is not careful and meticulous--it's just not who she is.  So...that usually means she has to redo copy work.  Look at a math problem again.  That sort of thing.  And there are always interruptions.  Evie wakes up.  She wants to eat (always).  John needs me.  Laundry needs to be switched out or the kitchen cleaned.  So, usually by the time I have showered and dried my hair, it's lunch time.  I used to freak out if the majority of our school wasn't done by lunch time.  I have let that go, and it's working so. much. better.  So, while I cook lunch, we will usually do Ada's spelling list.  She might just spell the words out loud, or even sit on the counter and write them on the white board.  The point is, we do them.  And then we use the time we are eating lunch to read our timeline cards, go a little bit more in depth with something.  The point is, I steal little moments to get it all done.  It is not at all orderly or organized or anything.  The only set things are memory work first thing to make sure it gets done and independent work while I shower and get ready for the day.  Everything else we fit it in.  There are times that means we are finally finishing up phonics right before dinner, and I am finally okay with that.  I am sure, like everything else in life, that every year, every month, every week even, I will learn more and adjust more and figure out more about how to do school.  I also find myself more than ever, saying, "Lord, show me what to do."  I mean, I say this about everything.  Show me what to do about the grocery budget this week--Evie's naps--Ada and John's messy room--and first grade.  Show me what to do about first grade.  And he does.  He directs my steps. 

(she sits in a booster for school, because it puts her at the right height for neat handwriting--fyi)

And he gives me glimpses of the big picture.  Last week we were going over the timeline cards for the week--we were reciting, "Slave Trade in Africa," and then, "The Spanish Inquisition," and Ada wanted to know more about those things.  So, (we love our timeline cards), we spent some time reading the back of the cards.  I briefly, so inadequately, talked to Ada about slavery, so we talked about sin.  And Ada, on her own, noticed that so many of the timeline cards have to do with sin.  There is so much sin.  And there I sat, talking to my six year old about how history shows us man's condition.  We kept turning the cards over to read, and Ada would say, "more sin."  And I saw a seed planted, a brief moment of understanding in her face...we are so very fallen.  History shows it.  And we desperately need a savior.  And as frazzled as our days can be, I am so thankful that I am learning side by side with Ada, and that the learning isn't separate, instead, it bleeds into all aspects of our life.  It's a gift.

In the mean time, little John isn't so little.  He turns four in less than two weeks!!!  And I am not even close to being prepared for that.  Through several conversations, I realize that he is expecting a party--oops.  I planned on a party next year.  You know, when he's five and I don't have a newborn.  So, I asked him who he wanted to invite, and luckily, our immediate family was on the guest list, and he even mentioned a friend's dog, so...I do think I have one more year before things get serious ;)  But don't worry, our sweet and funny boy will be celebrated, but in a non-stressful manner.  A themed cake, pizza, a few balloons, and I think that will be one four year old who feels very birthdayed. 

Oh my word, this blog post is swiftly turning into a book. 

The point?  We are adjusting to life in a very frazzled, unorganized, but getting-the-job-done way.

Two Months

Little Miss Evie is two months today.  I can't believe it has only been two months, but also it seems as if time is flying by. 

We are all in love with our Evie.  John says all the time through out the day, "is that my cute girl?  Where's my cute girl?"  And Ada begs to hold her and talk to her and kiss her.  We all kiss her all of the time.  And her smell.  Oh my goodness, her snuggled up in my arms, that little baby bottom sticking out, her fuzzy red hair right under my chin, and the sweet smell.  The sweet smell.  There are things that are so hard, and I can't pretend that I won't be glad when life is a bit more stable--when routines are established--but at the same time I want her to stay this small forever.  She's so squishy and cuddly and funny and sweet, and we just love her so much.

A few things about Evie at two months.

She nurses ALL THE TIME.  I mean, there is no other way to describe it.  She nurses all the time.  There is no schedule--she nurses when she wakes up and before she goes to sleep and sometimes in between.  I have sort of tried to figure out a schedule, but it's just not happening right now.  I think it will all work itself out when she settles into a more normal nap schedule. 

As for naps, she takes several 45 minute naps throughout the day.  It never fails, she always wakes up after 45 minutes.  I think this will change as she gets older.  She's still so little. 

Her nights, on the other hand, I am spoiled, spoiled.  She basically sleeps through the night.  We have settled into a sort of routine where I bathe her around 7 or 8, then I nurse her in her dark room, and then I rock her for a little while before laying her down.  She is usually drifting off at the point but not sound asleep, and she might cry for a few minutes, but that is about it.  I usually have to feed her one more time before I go to bed for the night, and then usually again around 4 am.  In other words, I am getting a very normal amount of sleep.  I am so thankful for the sleep, to wake up each morning refreshed. 

We are getting a few smiles out of her, but she does not give them away easily.  And we have just reached a point where she has content moments while awake.  Before the past week, she really wasn't very happy when she was awake unless I was nursing her, but we have really turned a corner this past week, and she has been content for up to 30 minutes at a time, lying on the bed looking around or sitting in her bouncy seat looking around.  She is such a starer, and she gets her eyes on something and is mesmerized. 

It's already hard to remember what it was like without her in our family!  It makes so much sense for her to be here.

Sweet Evie.  Sweet, chunky, Evie.  Precious girl.

Life with three

I started this blog when Ada was only a few months old.  I was freshly home from what had been a career that I loved.  Scott and I were still newlyweds really, and we were a bit shell shocked by the way a newborn had shifted our universe.  It felt so hard to have that one baby.  It was so hard to have that one baby.  I was lonely and a bit baffled by motherhood.  I missed work.  I missed getting dressed every morning while it was still dark outside and driving through the city to my exit.  I missed the "careerness"  of it, and I was struggling to figure out how to fill the hours.  I knew that I wanted to be at home, but I was struggling to find purpose in the constant feed, change the diaper, burp the baby, put the baby down for a nap.

And here we are, six years later.  Six and a half years later, and it is once again hard.  But hard in such a different way.  The constant feed, burp, diaper changing is now lost in the midst of homeschooling and parenting and budgeting for a family of five rather than that family of 3.  And I feel like I hardly see Scott as we are in the trenches of parenting young children and much of life feels like tag teaming rather than running side-by-side.  I feel like my voice constantly sounds frantic.  Is that Evie crying?!  Can you grab her while I finish dinner?!  Are Ada and John fighting again?!!  where did I put the math work book?  It's lost in the gigantic pile of papers that we call the school room.  and on and on and on the frantic goes, and it's hard to stop and nurse Evie without it feeling like an inconvenience, much less find the time to talk to Scott or actually think through parenting decisions rather than just reacting to the situation at hand.

 I write all this not to say that this is good or how it should be.  Instead, I write it to say that this is the adjusting that is now taking place.  Adjusting to Ada meant figuring out what to do with what felt like too much time.  way too much time.  Silence and a quiet apartment and how do we fill our days?  And now adjusting feels like, how do we dial down the frantic?  How do we stop running around and reacting to situations and switch to purposeful parenting of three?  I know that life can still be purposeful, and I know that much of that will happen naturally as we move out of these early survival weeks into more normal, predictable weeks.  I know that I will wake up one day, and we will have adjusted.  Which is another thing that honestly makes this adjustment easier.  With Ada, I didn't know that we would certainly adjust; it just took time.  This time, I know the adjustment will come.  Scott and I say that a lot.  Think about what life will look like six months from now!  a year from now!  Not to wish away the time, but to remind ourselves to breath and not panic because this isn't the new normal.  It's not.  Of course life will be fuller, busier, and yes, more frantic, with three children instead of two, but it won't always be this frantic.  Evie will get older.  Things will settle down.  We will figure this thing out.  (With much prayer, of course!!!)

But, but, the melancholy in me feels a bit of grieving over that quiet apartment, that one baby, and the excitement we would feel when Scott got home from work (at about 5:00 versus 7:00 or sometimes 8:00).  It was simpler.  And we were so young.  Or it feels like we were so much younger.  Because, though it felt like it wouldn't happen, we did adjust, and I had all of this time to enjoy baby Ada.  Long walks and looking at her and talking to her, and even naps with her.  But though there are less of them, I still have those moments with Evie.  In the wee hours of the morning when she needs to eat and the rest of the house is sleeping.  Or late in the evening when Ada and John are finally asleep and Scott and I can finally sit down and breathe.  Those are the moments that I take the time to look at Evie, drink in the smell of her, the sounds.  Feel the weight of her in my arms--all curled up in that newborn way with her diapered bottom sticking out. 

So here we are.  So different from the first time we became parents, but also so much the same.  We are figuring this thing out.  I am praying.  A LOT.  And we are confident that we will survive this and our family will come out on top. 

I always have more that I want to blog.  Ada's ballet recital, Christmas, I started weight watchers (because that has been different too!!!  It was much easier to lose this baby weight six years ago!!), and just the general information about what Evie is like.  So maybe I will get to that.  We'll see...