This pregnancy is moving right along. So different from the ones before it. Time just keeps passing, and my main focus, of course, is on Ada and John. You know how it is with that first pregnancy. It's all I thought about it. Ada, Ada, Ada, all of the time. And I will be really honest with you, I hardly remember being pregnant with John. Maybe that's how this will feel when I look back.
In the midst of it, I certainly know I'm pregnant, but I spend less time imagining this little person that is growing. It's been a hard pregnancy. The hardest yet. I am sixteen weeks and still sicker than I want to be. I keep getting these massive headaches that sometimes take days to go away. I am exhausted almost all of the time. And I am super hormonal, feeling some of those post-partum feelings except it's not post partum yet. not even close. And I am fighting fear. Because I think if the third pregnancy is this hard, what will it be like to be a mother to three. I feel like my head is barely above water with two, so I feel crazy thinking I can have three. And I have no excuses. I can't say that mine are so close together. That thing that I hear from others about how close in age all the kids are. Mine aren't. John will be almost four when this baby is born. So, what excuse will I have when I am flailing about, my life looking quite crazy? I know that the fear is not from the Lord. Not even close. But, I am struggling to hear truth these days. Whenever a gray cloud seems to fix itself permanently over my head, I have to fight so hard to sort through all the thoughts to find the true ones.
I have a dear friend who asked me one day what I am so afraid of. Being exhausted? My house being messy? And she said, those things will certainly be true, but it's okay. It's okay that I am going to be tired and that my house will most likely be a wreck. It's not forever. And then I tried to dig even deeper. What is the thing motivating this fear? and, of course, there it was, staring me in the face. I am so afraid of how out of control I will feel. Which is such a lie anyway, to believe that I am in control now.
Motherhood continues to make me feel so inadequate, to remind me of who I am, just dust. And, praise the Lord, it continues to drive me to the foot of the cross. To beg for some help. To beg for God to equip me to do this thing that feels so impossible. And he is always faithful. Because I don't know how, but Ada is reading. That was impossible. I don't know how we did it or what we did. But she is reading. And John is in underwear, not diapers. When I begin to feel so overwhelmed by life, I try to break things down to what needs to be done on this day. And for a while now, those two things were our main things. I mean, there was the daily stuff, but I mean, when I thought about the big picture, about what I am training Ada and John to one day be, the reading and the potty training were the basic things that to be done today to get us to the one day. For Ada to and John to one day, I hope, influence this world for Christ, in a thoughtful and intelligent way, we had to start with the reading and the potty. And those little things felt so impossible. But God is faithful in that.
I am such a big picture person. I get fired up when I go to conferences and talk about education and what classical education can prepare our kids to do and be as adults. I love to read about education and discuss it and think about it. But, then, when I have to come back home to parenting a three year old and a five year old and they aren't out changing the world for Christ, I have a much harder time with the details. Details are not my strength. But for Ada and John, reading and the potty were the biggies this year, and, praise the Lord, we did it! And it's a reminder that for this little munchkin growing inside me, He will once again meet me in my need. For now, the details are getting through this pregnancy with a healthy baby. And then there will be the nursing and the sleeping and the adjusting to three children instead of two, and He will meet me there. And that is the hope and the promise and the truth that I cling to in the midst of the fear that threatens to overwhelm.