My Week In a List

So, apparently I only blog on Mondays and weekends.  It's been a week...again...

I am going to list...

1.  I am having foot issues.  And by foot issues, I mean the skin on my foot.  I am not going to go into detail about that, but just know that it has taken up a large portion of this week, and the issue is not resolved.  It also involved a steroid shot in my rear end.  This is what I have to say about that...when the nurse says left hip, she doesn't mean hip.  The foot issue also involved (involves) a long list of prescriptions, but none are guaranteed to help.  Well...some of the prescriptions are for my allergies that are possibly playing a role in the foot situation.  I am basically allergic to Spring.  If it's blooming, or just out in nature, I am allergic to it.  Anyway...all of that is a lot of what has occupied my week.  I have a dermatologist appointment on Wednesday, so hopefully things will soon be resolved.

2.  Our car is still in the shop; Monday begins week three.  The mechanic is waiting on a part to arrive.  I am ready to be a two car family again.

3.  John ate a banana today, which is great.  I just handed him half of a banana, and he went to town eating it.  I realize that is a very messy way to do it, but it was the only way to get him to eat some fruit.  Success!!!!

4.  In the midst of all of that, Ada's doll Clementine has been in the hospital "with seizures" ;).  Ada keeps having to "get blood" from her.  Ada is the doctor, obviously.

5.  We joined a food co-op with some other women from church, and we received our first "batch" of food this week.  I am hoping that will shave a few dollars off the grocery budget each week. 

And those are the highlights of the week.

Beginning with the first week in March, when Ada ended up in the emergency room with seizures, our life has been rather chaotic.  I'll be honest with you, for someone who struggles with wanting to be in control, it's not comfortable for life to feel this out of my control.  I am fighting the urge to feel down, down, down about things.  But...

God is so good to be right here with me meeting specific needs.  In fact, this morning, Ada and I were praying, and we prayed that she would be able to use the bathroom easily (she still has a bit of trouble with that, and we have to constantly monitor what she is eating) and that John would eat some fruits and vegetables.  Immediately after we prayed, Ada used the bathroom (sorry, I know that's TMI!!!) and John ate a banana.  I laughed because it was as if God was saying, I am here in the midst of your day-to-day, and I am hearing your prayers.  And right now, we are asking God for some big things on a daily basis, and it often feels like our prayers are hitting a brick wall.  But in this tiny thing of John eating a piece of fruit, it was like God, in his grace and mercy, showed me that He absolutely hears.  He hears!!!!  And when these requests that feel so huge and important and urgent are returned with silence it does not take away from the truth that God is sovereign and good and merciful and working in the midst of the chaos. 

Idle Time

The above verse is now hanging directly above my kitchen sink.  You know, for when I am tempted to leave the dishes right where they are instead of taking 15 minutes to unload and load the dishwasher each night.

Here's the kicker, though, it is also posted directly above my computer screen.  Yuck.  I love my computer time.  It is my window to that world out there beyond my four walls, my neighborhood, this town.  It also contributes to my idle time more than anything else.  Back in high school, my mom had a bible verse posted right inside the televesion armoire in the living room, so that we would see it every time we wanted to turn on the television.  I can't remember the exact verse--something about keeping our eyes pure, I think.  And I also remember finding a bible verse on modesty hanging in my closet--ha:)  I wasn't thrilled about those reminders back then--I was 16 after all and wanted to watch wanted I wanted to watch and wear what I wanted to wear and somehow separate those things from what the Bible had to say.  Thankfully, my mom was thinking about those things for me.  All of that to say, that I am bound and determined (and praying about it a lot) to figure out how to run this household in a God-glorifying way.  This verse is helping tons.  Instead of focusing on what all needs to be done, I am simply focusing on how I am spending my time.  If I am spending my time well, and the house is a mess at the end of the day--so be it.  If I have wasted much time in the day, and as a result the house is a mess, then I know it wasn't a God-honoring day.  This is the job he has given me.  I want to do it well. 

So, if the blog seems quiet, that is why.  I should add that I have the slowest computer known to man, so my computer time probably equals more idle time than the average joe.  Even tonight as I attempted to blog this, I got up and did things around the kitchen while I waited for different things to load. 

I have been reflecting on the past year A LOT, since it is coming to a close, and I am attempting to change a few things as the new year approaches.  I don't want the pressure of a New Year's resolution, so I am starting mid-November.  And besides, I think biblical, prayerful, self-evaluation is good any time. 

Plus, these kiddos are keeping me busy, busy, busy.  John is so much fun these days.  I can't get over the change in him, and I am soaking it up.  I am thankful to be finding much joy in motherhood lately (mixed in with frustration--OF COURSE).  I have had seasons that were less joyful, so praise the Lord for this easier time. 

Feel the need to share

When I am reading something that really resonates with me, I feel an immediate need to share. 

I have memories from college of sitting in my room doing my bible study, coming across something that really "spoke" to me, and immediately calling Scott or my friend, Amy, to share whatever I just read, despite the fact that I was in the middle of my quiet time.  I am a vocal processor.  I like to discuss; it helps me to figure things out and come to a conclusion about things. 

This is true for everything, not just spiritual things.  If I am reading a fashion magazine, and I read a really great tip on "dressing for your body type," or something of that nature, I also feel the immediate need to share that.  Unfortunately, Scott is not usually very interested in knowing how to "dress for his body type" ;).

Well, blog readers, I am not in college anymore; I don't have 13 friends living right down the hall, so...when I need to process something I have read, I turn to you.  This is my way of warning you that I am about to type a few things from the book I am currently reading, and I completely understand if you just skip this post altogether.

I am reading The Discipline of Grace by Jerry Bridges, and I am loving it!!!!  It's subtitle reads, God's Role and Our Role in the Pursuit of Holiness."  If I were to share everything that I love about this book, I would probably end up copying the whole book onto my blog, so I just recommend that you find a copy and read it.  Really.

But...this morning, I read a great passage on how the gospel reveals the glory of God, and I had to share.  I couldn't help myself.  Bare (Bear?) with me, please.

"The law reveals the glory of God in his righteousness; the gospel reveals the glory of God in both his righteousness and grace.  Christ's death reveals the righteousness of God in that it satisfied the justice of God, but it also reveals the grace of God in that it was the means of salvation to those who deserve only eternal wrath [amen!!!]. 

Furthermore, the gospel reveals the wisdom of God in devising such an infinitely magnificent way of meeting our desperate need without sacrificing his holiness and justice.  And it reveals the power of God, both in His raising Jesus from the dead and in raising us from spiritual death to a new life in Christ.  So the gospel pulls together and harmonizes all these glorious attributes of the Lord:  his righteousness with His grace, His justice with His mercy, His power with His love, His wisdom with his patience and compassion.

It seems, though, that God desires to magnify His grace in a special way to us, for Paul wrote in Ephesians 2:6-7 'And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realm in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.' The key phrase is that God might show the incomparable riches of his grace.  This is God's goal in salvation of fallen human beings: the exaltation of His grace shown to us in Christ," (106-107).

Okay, I am done.  I had to share.  Scott is out getting the oil changed in my car, so I couldn't read it to him, so I chose you.

Getting things in order

I keep wanting to blog, mainly because it's my outlet of sorts, but I can't seem to find the time lately.

Or...I could find the time, but it would mean sacrificing something else, and I am working on putting "first things first," and most days, blogging doesn't qualify as a "first thing."

With the start of another school year, comes the start of another season of women's discipleship group, and, therefore, a new accountability question to pray about/work on for the year.  For me, I am praying about SELF DISCIPLINE.  I need it, oh so badly.

What does that look like?  Well, I am trying to be SELF DISCIPLINED about bible study and prayer and exercise and house cleaning and nutrition and the list could go on and on.  Things in my life just run more smoothly when there is an order to things.

Here is what the Bible has to say about that...

"Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine.  They are to teach what is good, and so train the young woman to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled...

For the grace of God has appaeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for hiw own possession who are zealous for good works," (Titus 2:3-5, 11-14).

It seems that every hour, every minute even, of my day is accounted for, so my little blog sits in the corner, forgotten, neglected.  But...I pray that as "God's grace appears," and enables me to produce some self-discipline and order and routine around here, that a blogging time slot just might open up. 

But, until then, I have to close this because my alarm will be ringing bright and early.  I have a date with Scott and the P90X video.  My health (and fitting into my old, pre-babies, pants) fits under the first things heading. 

Quick Post

So...as I have mentioned here and there, we do plan to homeschool our children, which I hesistate to even mention because it always produces a raised eyebrow or two.  And I can never gather my thoughts to stutter my way through an explanation as to why we plan to do this.  I know all the reasons in my head, and the more I read and pray the more I am sure that for now this is how the Lord is leading our family, but I can't articulate all these reasons very well.  Which makes sense considering that my oldest child in only three, and I haven't actually done any true homeschooling yet (though I like to think that is what we are doing every single day). 

Anyway...I just stumbled upon this post, and I immediately wished I could print it and always have it with me if the question comes up, why do you plan to homeschool?  I especially love how she addresses the very real concern of homeschool children being too "sheltered."

Anyway...if you are considering homeschooling, or are even strongly against it, I think this post is a great read to show you the reasons why I am crazy enough to think that I should teach my children at home. As  I read the post all I could think was, yes!!!  yes!!!  and more, YES!!!

p.s. I loved teaching in the public school system, and I had a great public school experience growing up.  My decision to homeschool isn't a decision made "against" public schooling, instead it's a decision made "for" home schooling.  Does that make sense?

Book Wish List

We are all home from church today as Ada is still recovering from her cold, and we wanted to keep her away from the nursery. And Scott and I are now in the thick of what she has been suffering from all week. I finally took Ada to the doctor on Friday morning, mainly for my peace of mind, and she did have an ear infection. She is taking an antibiotic for that, and she seems to be doing much better. I on the other hand will be glad to get to the other side of this thing.

Anyway, as Ada is napping right now, I am resting in bed as well, with the lap top as my companion. Because we are done with Christmas shopping, and Ada's birthday is still months away, I am excited to begin using my swagbucks to purchase books off of Amazon rather than toys. My book list is long, ya'll. So very long. I have my own book list, two of which I already ordered--For The Children's Sake and Let Us Highly Resolve. I plan to do much reading over the next couple of years as we begin to make decisions about Ada's education. I am glad that she is still only two, and I have much time to read and research before I have to put anything into practice.

In the mean time, I also want to choose wisely the books that I read to Ada. I have already surrounded her with her favorite picture books--you know Elmo and Curious George and Dr. Seuss and such. I stock up often from the dollar section at Target and various other places. And I think those books are great, as any time she spends with a book makes me happy. But I also want to be intentional about the books that I choose to purchase and spend time reading aloud to her.

My current list includes the following books

Poems and Prayers for the Very Young
The Complete Poems of Winnie the Pooh
A Family Treasury of Little Golden Books
The Real Mother Goose
The Little House
The Little Red Hen
A Hole is to Dig
Make Way for Ducklings
The Little Engine that Could
Peter Spier's Rain
The Story of Creation

Most of the above titles I can get used for very little money on Amazon. And of course with Swagbucks, I will pay nothing out of pocket. And right now, the 5.00 Amazon gift card only costs 40 swagbucks rather than 45--woo-hoo. I currently have 10.00 worth of gift cards, and I am excited to get our library of "classic children's books" started.

Remember you can also get in on the swagbucks action by signing up here. And of course, if you sign up it benefits me because I earn points for all of my referrals;) We were able to spend less than 50.00 to buy all of Ada's Christmas because of gift cards earned on Swagbucks. I have made over 200.00 so far. It's crazy, ya'll. Really, you should sign up.

On another note--what are your favorite children's books? Ones that you remember reading and loving as a child? I am always up for suggestions.

I made my list from this classical education website--check it out.

p.s. I will be sharing many more thoughts about Classical Education over the next couple of years as we approach the age when Ada will begin school. The whole method fascinates me, and I spend way too much time reading about it and researching it and getting my hands on whatever information I can find. The above website is a wonderful source of information. I can spend hours just on that one site. Do I have any readers out there who were educated classically? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Gray Day

First of all, is gray the color spelled with an a or an e? I never know the answer to that. If a word is not spelled phonetically, I have such a hard time remembering how to spell it.

Anyway...it's been a gray day is oh so many ways. Outside, my mood, Ada's behavior.

Let's start with what has made me excited today.

1. Ada slept until 8:30. Thank you, Lord. Oh my word, that is such a treat. I felt so rested and relaxed when I woke up at that late hour and the rain was pouring outside my window. I found Ada sitting up in bed, contentedly playing with her stuffed animals. By the way, her new thing is to wake up and call out, "Laura Beth, where are you?" Don't know why she is calling me by name. If I ask her what my name is, she responds, "Mommy Moore," but she calls me Laura Beth all the time. So strange, but it causes me to start each day with laughter. It cracks me up to hear my little two year old call me by name.

2. Mixed in with my laundry were all of the little infant clothes that I am getting ready for John's arrival. It was very fun to fold tiny newborn gowns and onesies. I asked Ada whose clothes they were, and she responded, "Baby John's." Then she hugged his pile of clothes and said, "awwwww."

3. After having a very gray, hormonal, pregnant type day, Scott and I threw caution to the wind and ate a comforting meal at Cracker Barrel tonight. We never do that sort of thing, just going out to dinner in the middle of the week, but my kitchen was a mess, my emotions were a mess, and next to going to my mom's house for dinner, Cracker Barrel seemed like the solution. It was just the thing I needed to sit down and have someone serve me dinner and clean up after me. (mom, I really wished I lived in Scottsboro tonight. I felt like I needed mothering.)

There are no reasons why it was a gloomy day for me. I just felt hormonal. I chalked it up to pregnancy. My house wasn't as clean as I hoped for. Ada struggled (as usual) with first time obedience. Hey, Ada struggles with fifth time obedience;) I pinched and spanked and pleaded and timed out, and we survived the day, and we had a few successes mixed in. I had to cancel tutoring when the weather caused Scott to be stuck in traffic on 75. I hate canceling tutoring because I feel like I am letting the family down, so that contributed a bit to the gloominess. And you know, my stomach is just in the way these days. It's hard to bend over and do the daily stuff. I have heartburn, and I feel huge, and you know... But today as I bent over to put clothes into the dryer, and I once again felt like I was running out of room for my growing stomach, I was reminded of little Ada. How once she was the one making me feel claustrophobic in my own body. And I realized how very worth it it is. Oh man. Such a small price to pay for a life growing inside of me. And when I feel something that is very clearly a fist or a foot, I get so excited just thinking about meeting this little boy (please keep him safe, Lord).

In my Thursday night women's bible study, we all have picked accountability questions for the year. Then, each week we report on how things are going. One of my questions is, "am I dwelling on truth or lies?" Because I am of the melancholy sort, my brain can become rather clouded with negative thoughts, usually thoughts that are not even true. I was convicted a few weeks ago that I must constantly be in the word--"the truth" if you will--in order to replace those thoughts. After my post a few weeks ago on the role that the word is to play in our lives, I decided to wander on over to Girl Talk: Biblical Womanhood and see what those girls had to say about daily quiet times. Taking their advice, I ordered the book, For the Love of God, by D.A. Carson, which takes you through the bible in a year (or two years if that works better for your schedule). The goal is to read four chapters of the bible each day, covering a broad spectrum of both the old and new testament, and then Carson provides some thoughts on the days reading. I am really loving this book because the main focus is the bible. Many studies that I have done in the past had me read a few verses and then much of the study was spent reading a man (or woman's) thoughts. That is not the case with this book. Though today is not a good example, I have seen a shift in my negative thinking as I deliberately saturate myself in the word of God and his gospel!!!!!!!! I have also been reading The Valley of Vision as a part of my daily study. Do you know about this book? It's a good one. Mom gave it to me a few Christmases back, and I really love it. It's a book of Puritan prayers, which all point out both the reality of my sin and the good news of the gospel in light of that sin.

What about you? I know that many of you might not struggle as much as I do with negative thinking, but I do think it's common among us women. What strategies do you have for replacing lies with truth? I am always up for a little advice.

What we should do with scripture

It's Thursday, which means tonight I have women's bible study.

I love Thursday nights. It is such a treat for me to leave Ada at home with Scott and spend time studying the word and discussing truth with women who love the Lord. It is one of my favorite times during the week.

As I already mentioned, we are studying Psalms, and specifically we are learning how to meditate on the Psalms and pray them back to God.

This weeks Psalm is 119, which is the longest chapter in the Bible. So Tim Keller has us looking at only verses 1-16 this week. The theme of the Psalm is the word of God. We begin by listing all the names and synonyms for scripture--and there are lots. Law, testimonies, precepts, statutes, commandments, and the list goes on.

Then, we are to list all of the things we are supposed to do with Scripture. It's a convicting list ya'll. Listen to this.

We are to walk in it, keep it diligently, seek it with our whole heart, keep our eyes fixed on it, learn it and guard our way according to it, store it, declare it with our lips, delight in it, meditate on it, and not forget it. Wow, right?

How little time I spend each day in the Word. Some days I spend no time in the Word. So I am thinking through what the above list looks like on a daily basis. What is the practical application here? Is is just to do my bible study every morning, or is it more than that?

I know that I must make it a priority. Especially when I am facing the task of being a wife and a mom and just living life on a daily basis. Here is where I will find truth and guidance and instruction and rebuke. And yet I spend more time watching Gilmore Girls than I do in his word. Hmmm...it gives me much to think about.

What Shall I Render to the Lord?

With fall and the start of school, everything else begins to "crank back up" at church--community groups, discipleship groups, etc. etc.

This fall, my women's discipleship group (the one I am a part of, not the one that I own or lead) is doing a Tim Keller bible study on praying the Psalms. Well, if you have been reading this blog for any length of time then you know that I am huge Keller fan. He "came into my life" at a very crucial time in my Graduate School days when many of my beliefs were being challenged by my English professors. Keller had answers to all of those challenges through his clear explanation of how the gospel is so very different from religion. Anyway, all of that to say, that I am very excited about studying the Psalms and studying how to pray because this is a subject I don't know tons about.

I have spent lots of time praying in my lifetime, beginning when I was a small child, but I haven't spent lots of time studying how to pray. The study I am doing now uses the Psalms as a guide, as a place to learn how to speak the language of prayer. And though I am only one week into the study, I have already learned, shock of all shocks, that prayer is not about me and my needs, but it is instead, about God and his glory. I have also realized, again shock of all shocks, that I tend to make it about me--as I do with most things in life.

In the study we are practicing how to take the prayers found in the Psalms and make them our own. Last week we looked at Psalm 116, and in verse 12-13, David (? my bible doesn't say, is this a Psalm of David?) asks, "What shall I render to the Lord for all his benefits to me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord." How often do I try to lift up my own goodness, my own "works" to the Lord, when in reality those works are simply filthy rags? What a reminder to me that all I have to offer up to the Lord in Thanksgiving is what he has done for me in Christ Jesus--my cup of salvation.

Recent events have caused me to think much about sin and the nature of sin in our lives, and how truly, our only hope is this cup of salvation. Apart from him and his death on the cross we have no good thing!!! But what hope we do have in that cup.

We sang a favorite hymn of mine this past Sunday at church, and I want to close with those words. I love them so because there is so much truth and Hope!!! in them.

Jesus, I my cross have taken, all to leave and follow Thee.
Destitute, despised, forsaken, Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition, all I've sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition! God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me, they have left my Savior, too.
Human hearts and looks deceive me. Thou art not, like them, untrue.
O while Thou dost smile upon me, God of wisdom, love, and might,
Foes may hate and friends disown me, Show Thy face and all is bright.

Man may trouble and distress me, Twil but drive me to Thy breast.
Life with trials hard may press me; Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.
Oh, tis not in grief to harm me while Thy love is left to me;
Oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me, Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Go, there, earthly fame and treasure, Come disaster, scorn and pain
In Thy service, pain is pleasure, With Thy favor, loss is gain
I have called Thee Abba Father, I have stayed my heart on Thee
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather
all must work for good to me.

Soul, then know thy full salvation; Rise o'er sin and fear and care
Joy to find in every station, Something still to do or bear
Think what Spirit dwells within thee,
Think what Father's smiles are thine,
Think that Jesus died to win thee,
Child of heaven, canst thou repine.

A Favorite Book

When I found out I was pregnant with Ada, Scott and I were very much newlyweds. We were six months into marriage, and we were still figuring out how marriage worked. Let's be honest, we are now working on our fourth year and we don't have it yet, but it sure does seem easier now.

Anyway, it was quite overwhelming for us to face the task of parenting when we felt so young and insecure. How could we, hardly knowing each other yet, learn how to parent together? God has been so very gracious to us, by the way, as Scott and I seem more in harmony than ever before, and I think it is because God has used the parenting of Ada to sanctify our marriage. It has been such an encouraging experience.

So, there we were, dealing with the reality of my first pregnancy, and I was desperate for guidance and instruction and wisdom. So, I did what I always do in desperate situations, I began to read. I didn't know much about what mothering would be like, but I knew that I so wanted this child of ours to know and love the Lord and His gospel above all else. I wanted our family to be about making His kingdom known. And so I bought the book, Raising your children for Christ by Andrew Murray. It's a good one ya'll.

I sat in our tiny, concrete, basement apartment pouring over its pages, desperate to know how to be a parent. And it was as I read this book, that I first began to question what it meant for Ada to be a "covenant child." What did it mean that the Lord allowed Ada to be born into a believing family. And by believing family, I mean she is surrounded by grandparents and aunts and uncles who love the Lord with all of their heart, soul, and mind. She clearly was a blessed child.

So, as I think about Ada's baptism (and this is not that post; that will come in a few days, I think), I return to this favorite book. And now that I am once again carrying a child inside of me, I again think about what it means to parent in such a way as to bring glory to the Lord. This book is chock full of encouraging and practical words, and it opens with this thought, that I want to share with you,

The establishment of a home of love like that in Heaven was to be the highest privilege of man. However, sin came in and brought about man's ruin. The father makes the child a partaker of a sinful nature, and the father himself feels too sinful to be a blessing to the child. Then the homes become too often the path not to heaven, but to hell. But what sin destroys, grace restores! God's grace points back to the restoration of what he intended at creation. It was God's plan for the family with its love and its training of the children to reflect the fellowship of God's home and the love of the Father in Heaven.

Every parent who is aware of his own shortcomings and longs for wisdom and grace must look to the heavenly origin of family life. The God who created it has also redeemed it and makes it new. He watches over each family with tender interest, and gives his own Father-love to every parent who desires to be the minister of His holy purpose.

If this is your desire, begin by making God's thoughts your thoughts. Begin to see the fatherhood and the family on earth as the image and the likeness of the heavenly original. Look to God as the author of your family life and count on him to give you all that is needed to make it what it should be. Let his Father-heart and his Father-love be your security. As you trust in His adoring love, the assurance will grow that He will enable you to make your home the bright reflection of His own.

(Murray, 11-12)

An Image I am Loving Tonight

I have had a hard few days. Just believing lies and such and sinking into my melancholy state of mind;)

But tonight, in an effort to combat those lies with TRUTH!!! I turned to God's word. As I have mentioned before, because I have been blessed (cursed?) with crazy emotions, I strongly believe that truth and emotion are two separate things, and tonight I needed a good dose of truth.

I opened to 2 Samuel to read the words of David who is praising God for delivering him from his enemies (those pesky Giants that kept wanting to kill him, I suppose). Though I have no true giants facing me tonight, often times my emotions can seem a bit giant, looming over me, crippling me, so I find great comfort in David's words.

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation,
my stronghold and my refuge,
my savior, you save me from violence.
I call upon the Lord who is worthy to be praised,
and I am saved from my enemies...

In my distress I called upon the Lord;
to my God I called.
From his temple he heard my voice,
and my cry came to his ears.

Then the earth reeled and rocked;
the foundations of the heavens trembled
and quaked, because he was angry.
Smoke went up from his nostrils,
and devouring fire from his mouth;
glowing coals flamed forth from him...

He sent from on high, he took me;
he drew me out of many waters.
He rescued me from my strong enemy,
from those who hated me,
for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of calamity,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a broad place;
he rescued me, because he delighted in me.

2nd Samuel 22: 2-4, 7-9, 17-20

I love this image. I can see a picture of myself drowning in lies and emotions, arms flailing about, hoping for someone to take notice and rescue me. And here is this idea that not only does God take notice, but he is so angry that these lies would be fed to me that the earth quakes and the heavens shake and fire shoots out of his mouth. That is a picture of a mighty God, is it not? And the best part, he comes swooping down to rescue me. And why does he come swooping down to rescue me from these enemies (lies) that are too mighty for me, because he delights in me. He delights in these emotions that He created. Now that is a truth worth sitting in and meditating on and clinging to with all my might. I am so thankful that I know Him and that He calls me his own. There is such hope in that. Such LIFE.

My Melancholy Self

I have been feeling a bit melancholy lately, and if I take the time to sit down and think through all the reasons why, I am sure I could come up with some, but I hate to complain.

My women's bible study, which is quite the refuge for me every Thursday night, is currently reading the book, Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow. It is a fabulous book, and by fabulous I mean kick me in the tail convicting. Yikes is all I have to say. The whole purpose of the book is to join Paul in learning that secret to being content (Philippians 4:11-13), and though we are only in chapter four, I have already figured out that the secret has nothing to do with my circumstances. I am guessing that it is no coincidence that I find myself in this group, reading this book, at this particular time in my life. God has a way of working out all the details, doesn't he?

I have a strong tendency towards melancholy--it has shown up all throughout my life. Let me give a shameful example. My highschool boyfriend had to write this paper for school once where he listed some of his favorite things. One of his favorite things was "when his girlfriend was in a good mood." In other words, those times were few and far between. It was quite the eye opener back then, and that memory has stuck with me throughout my life. I try to ask myself daily, am I more often in a good mood or a bad mood these days? Lately, I must confess, that if you asked Scott that question, he would probably say that I am most often in a bad mood. Or maybe sad is the better term.

Now, we all know that I have not one single thing to be sad about. I am tired, it's true. And I do feel most days like I am running some sort of race and the finish line keeps getting farther away from me rather than closer, but God has promised to be my strength at times like these. And thankfully God has brought me quite far in comparison to that 16 year old girl who often stayed in a bad mood--What He has started he will bring to completion, right? In the ten years that have passed, I have learned practical ways that I can control this melancholy mind of mine. One being exercise. Exercise is quite the miracle worker, actually. Truly nothing improves my mood and energy level like exercise. Keeping that in mind, I am hoping to buy about six weeks worth of classes at Gold's Gym. I have gathered up any clothes and shoes that I know I will never wear again, and I am taking those things to Plato's Closet to sell. I am crossing my fingers that they will provide me the money needed to take the classes. Plus, Gold's Gym has child care, so it would give me an hour a day that is just for me, and Ada seems to enjoy nursery situations.

And the new thing that I plan to try is a meal plan template for every week. With all the tutoring that I am doing, I don't have much extra time on my hands, and I am feeling rather bogged down in the couponing and sale matching and meal planning. I am hoping this will free up some of that time. I am hoping to do something like homemade pizza every Saturday night, brunch every Sunday afternoon, pasta every Monday night, etc. etc., and this way it will reduce the amount of thought that I have to put into meal planning each week. It will also give me a better idea of what items I need to stockpile and what items I can pass up. During this season of life when the funds are tight and time is precious, anything that simplifies our life seems to be key.

I say all of the above just to keep myself accountable and transparent. This melancholy thing has been a sin area my whole life, and it's easy for me to say, "oh, it's just my personality." But that is in no way biblical. I have been around women in much more stressful situations than mine, and joy literally radiates from their face and conversation. I pray that God would make that joy a reality in my life, and that I can join Paul in saying, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (and here is that secret) I can do everything through him who gives me strength," Philippians 4:11-13.

A lesson in diligence

Good morning.

It's 5:45 am, and I have been up since 5. Ada woke up crying at 5 am, and after I comforted her and put her back down, I was having trouble falling back asleep. I have been wanting to get up early all week, and I have been unable to for one reason or another. As I was lying there, I thought, "here's your chance. You are awake anyway; why not get up and start the day on a quiet, peaceful note."

So here I sit, the fire going, tea by my side, and my bible open to Proverbs.

I am a worrier by nature. If I allow it, it can consume me. This weekend because of different circumstances, the worry has threatened to consume me. This happens from time to time. I think it's a result of a build up of junk in my heart that I have not dealt with. Then, when it gets to be too much to bear, I stop being able to sleep. And I find myself falling before the throne of God, desperate for him to wipe the slate clean, desperate for him to restore my relationship to Him. This morning I needed to crawl up beneath the shadow of his wing and find comfort there. I am a kind of tired that sleep cannot cure, only time with Him will bring me much needed rest.

As I began to pray this morning, I knew that I needed to be confronted with truth before I could even voice a prayer, so I began to look up verses on worry. I found the obvious ones, ones that I wrote down in order to commit to memory

Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you: He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. Psalm 55:22

Trust in him at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:8

So, I began to be comforted by those words, but I think the Lord knew I needed something more concrete. When I begin to worry about a situation, I often feel the need to do something, and this morning I find myself asking the Lord, "but what can I do to fix this?" And, he lead me to these verses, which spoke right to my heart

Whoever is slothful will not roast his game but the diligent man will get precious wealth. Proverbs 12:27

Better to be lowly and have a servant than to play the great man and lack bread. Proverbs 12:9

The hand of the diligent will rule while the slothful will be put to forced labor. Proverbs 12:24

Whoever works his land with have plenty of bread but he who follows worthless pursuits lacks sense. Proverbs 12:11

After reading these verses, the word diligent kept standing out to me, so I looked up the word on dictionary.com to make sure I had the exact definition.

Diligent--1. A constant effort to accomplish something; attentive and persistent in doing anything
2. done or pursued with persevering attention; painstaking
3. marked by painstaking effort

so then I looked up painstaking

Painstaking--characterized by taking pains or trouble

Okay, so the above bible verses might not seem like the obvious choice of verses that might bring comfort. I mean, "whoever is slothful will not roast his game?" but they spoke to me. I often become overwhelmed by the task at hand--budgeting and couponing, cooking and cleaning, taking care of Ada and working to raise her in such a way that she will desire a relationship with the Lord above all else, and sometimes I just want to quit, find an easy way out. Or at least a shortcut. But think about, in biblical times, I imagine that roasting game took forever. You kill the animal, you roast it over a fire. I imagine that takes patience, and the slothful man is apparently not willing to do it. But the diligent man, he will get precious wealth. He gets the rich meat, the reward of his patience and hard work and diligence. This morning the Lord spoke plain as day to me--he is asking me to be diligent. He is telling me that in all things--keeping my home, staying on the budget, disciplining and loving and raising and discipling Ada, I must, must, must be diligent. Pay attention to detail. To the point of pain. I am so encouraged this morning because I wanted a concrete answer, and I feel like I received one. I don't think he is giving me some big revelation about a new thing that I must do. Instead, I am reminded that this job is a daily thing. I must daily make choices to persevere, pay attention to detail, and constantly make tiny effort after tiny effort to accomplish the goals we have set for our family.

Oh the peace that comes when I rest in Him and His word and His truth.

Reflecting on the Day

It's nearing midnight, and I should be sound asleep, but my mind is full of the day's events as recorded below. Of course I am thinking of how the day could have gone differently and how tomorrow should look. And of course the house is quiet as Ada is tucked away in bed. As usual I went into Ada's room to cover her because the nights have become so cold here. When I went in there, she woke up, so I indulged myself and picked her up for a minute. Her body immediately melted into mine, all curled up as if she was three weeks old instead of 15 months. And I buried my nose in her hair, drinking in the smell of baby shampoo and the feel of her in my arms. She is my precious girl. My joy and my delight. And yet, she requires so much of me. So, so much of me. And most often it feels impossible. I love that she is so full of personality; I just wish that very personality didn't create a child who is determined to always do the exact opposite of what I want her to do. Oh Lord, help us. Please, help us. And again, I visited Biblical Womanhood, knowing I would find encouragement there. A place where moms have experienced the very thing I have experienced. I find such comfort in knowing I am not alone. I already compared notes with Ann today, and she encouraged me, saying that she has been right where I am. That helps so much. I hate feeling alone. I hate feeling crazy. And when I hear another mom share her story, her experience, it makes me feel okay. And that is why I blog the reality of our day to day. Because that is all I can relate to--reality. Over at Biblical Womanhood, in light of the reality of our messy, sinful lives, I found this quote to be incredibly encouraging and just what I need to think about as I fall asleep tonight. Perhaps it will encourage you as well,

"It is faith that enlivens our work with perpetual cheerfulness. It commits every part of it to God, in the hope, that even mistakes shall be overruled for his glory; and thus relieves us from an oppressive anxiety, often attendant upon a deep sense of our responsibility. The shortest way to peace will be found in casting ourselves upon God for daily pardon of deficiencies and supplies of grace, without looking too eagerly for present fruit." (Charles Bridges from The Christian Ministry, 178).

Thoughts on Stewardship

With all the money talk that has been happening in the Moore household, the word steward has been used often. And I have heard Scott say in prayer after prayer, "Lord, truly enable us to live as if our money is YOURS not OURS." That really is our prayer right now--that the Lord would use this time to change us, our hearts and our attitudes, because as we examine how we got into this situation (other than the sudden decrease in income when I came home to raise Ada) we realize that we have often lived as if our money was indeed OURS, when, in fact, it belongs to the Lord. This is something that we hear often, and it is my prayer that the Lord would really begin to reveal to us what it looks like to live in light of that truth. Scott and I certainly don't have it figured out yet. We are just desperate for wisdom right now, always unsure about the next step to take--continue to cut our budget, look for ways to bring in more income, etc. etc. And we want to make decisions based on God's will, not what is most comfortable for us.

As we begin to discuss and think more and more about stewardship, I have been thinking lots about what it means to be a good steward in areas other than money. I have noticed over the course of my life that when the Lord is teaching me something, that something begins to show up in all areas of my life. Right now that something is stewardship. This past Sunday our church seminary intern preached on being good stewards of the creativity that God has given us--and he gave several practical examples of what that looks like. He even mentioned decorating a home and cooking meals. I have been convicted lately that I am not really a good steward in any area of life. I often stay up too late, don't exercise enough, don't eat healthy, and I waste lots and lots of time. Now, I don't want to get legalistic about this, but I do want to always be growing and learning and examining my heart for sin areas. And I feel like this is an area that the Lord is revealing to me. I still have much to learn, and I would love to know any specific verses that discuss this. I just googled verses on stewardship, but I only got verses on tithing. I believe that tithing is only one small part of being a good steward. My prayer is that the Lord would reveal to me how to practically be a good steward of all that he has given me--my family, my home, my time, my talents. And I pray that he would give me a joyful heart about it. That I would find freedom in being a good steward. As I mentioned before I have a rather addictive or controlling personality, so I don't want this to become another area of my life where I WORK to be perfect--the key word being work. I want to find freedom in living in such a way that God is glorified in all areas of my life. I can struggle so with legalism, so my prayer is that the Lord would develop JOYFUL stewardship in my life. And that I would rest in the fact that it is God that will develop this in me.

p.s. Family, I am so sorry about the lack of pictures lately. I am once again having trouble downloading pictures, but as soon as the kinks are worked out, I will post lots of new photos of Ada. I promise.

Hope

The other night I stumbled upon the blog of a stay at home mom who suffered from severe post-partum depression shortly after her daughter was born. She is a very honest writer, and I found myself lost in her story. She chronicled all of her experiences from the weeks before her daughter was born to the day that she checked herself into the hospital because of severe depression and anxiety due to post partum issues. I found the entire thing fascinating, mainly because much of what she wrote reminded me of myself, with one major difference. She is not a believer. Not living with the hope of Christ's death and resurrection. And I came face to face with the reality that she was painting a picture of what my life would look like apart from Christ. Oh how thankful I am that in his mercy and grace he saved me. He saved filthy, broken, tendency to get lost in anxiety and depression me, and oh how thankful I was that I had that hope. The hope that not only am I justified, I am in process of being sanctified, meaning that he will not allow me to get lost in anxiety and depression. Oh praise Jesus. Praise Jesus. Regardless of this major difference between us, however, I still found myself relating to her in so many ways. She has struggled her whole life with addictions and control issues and all those sorts of things. The kinds of things that I am always on the brink of. But again, I have hope and the promise that God is always working on me, changing me more and more and more to look like the true image of myself. The non-broken image of myself. And my heart went out to this girl. I think her life feels somewhat under control now. She makes lots of money blogging, she is on the other side of post-partum and heavily relies on medication and therapy and writing/blogging to remain on the "other side," and her daughter is now older, and she enjoys motherhood.

Reading what she wrote reminded me of the first month of Ada's life. I will be honest with you, things were pretty grim. My mother and Ann carried me through that first month when I was somewhat in a state of shock, not sure of how this tiny infant could turn my world upside down so quickly. They both said it would get better and indeed it did, and looking back now, it really didn't take that long for things to begin to settle in and life began to take on a new normal. But I do remember when Ada was so little, two weeks or so, and I was somewhat freaking out, to put it bluntly. I mean, freaking out. And I understood what everyone meant when they said post-partum depression or hormonal imbalance or whatever you want to call it. But in the midst of all that, I knew that I was going to be okay. And when I felt so incapable of being Ada's mom, I knew that God was in control of this little girl's life, and for whatever reason, he had chosen me. And He was going to carry us through it. And I relied on that. Yes, there were other things I did to get me okay, but mostly what made me okay was knowing that God was in control so it didn't matter if I wasn't. So if I had to take the God factor away, well I suppose I would find myself in a hospital too. Because the fact of the matter is that none of us are in control. So if that happens to be your idol--being in control--the way it is mine and apparently the author of the blog I was reading, well you will go crazy apart from Christ. Literally crazy. And again, my heart went out to this girl. And she's not the type that you feel sorry for. She seems like a very strong woman, with a very strong support group, but she doesn't have Christ. And I don't think she thinks that she needs him. And as things like that have a tendency to do, reading her story just humbled me because there is nothing about me that deserves Christ. Nothing. But He is mine. And that is my hope. And I pray, oh I pray, that one day she will have that hope as well.

Thoughts on Homemaking

I have always believed since I was a small child that a mother's place was in the home. I don't remember being taught this, but I observed it. My mother stayed home, my father went to work. And even then, not so long ago, the majority of mothers that I knew stayed at home. Now I realize that this is a controversial issue in 2008, and I don't wish to stir up controversy, I only wish to share some ways that God is dealing with my heart. I do want to make this clear, however, in my home, where I was indirectly taught that a mother's place was in the home, I was also directly taught that nothing less than my best in everything was acceptable. I could not play after school until my homework was done, and in elementary school I remember studying for tests with my father, and if I was still missing even a few questions that he asked me, well the studying was not done. I was taught to write neatly, do things completely, and I always knew that I would go to college. It was expected, assumed, and I never thought otherwise. So off I went to college, where I majored in fashion design, with every intention of having some huge career in New York City. Obviously that did not happen. And I even remember when making the decision to change my major, I told my mother that all I really wanted was to be a mother. But that was not an optional major, and reality showed that I very well could be single for my entire life. So I decided to choose a major that I would be happy with, that would be fulfilling if God gave me a life of singleness, and so I chose teaching. Because then I would still invest in young lives, and better yet, I would immerse myself in literature and writing. And what do you know, I fell in love with my major, and once I was actually in the classroom, well, I fell in love with teaching and with students and with, well, being in the classroom.

I am a big believer that truth is a very separate thing from emotion and feeling. I have to believe this because my emotions are so unpredictable, so I stand on truth. I fully believe that it is truth that I am to be at home with Ada, being a homemaker. And I always thought that I believed this to be a worthy profession, a high calling, a privilege. What I have found, however, now that I am home, is that there is not much glory in it. It is very daily, and at times, it makes me feel very unimportant, and I am tempted to want to go back to work. And this is where truth comes in. God is showing me in huge, huge ways that I am believing lies. And if my job is to teach my daughters the art of homemaking, well I must learn it myself, right? Again, this is not a post about whether a woman should stay at home or work, it is a post about my believing the lie that because I stay at home with my children, my job somehow makes my education useless or makes me somewhat worthless. How crazy is that? I even wrote a persuasive paper in graduate school outlining all the reasons why a graduate degree would benefit me if I were to stay at home with my children, and yet, I find myself forgetting what I wrote. In the midst of all of these feelings that have surfaced at the start of another school year, I find God sending me little messages, or not so little messages, about all of the reasons why he has called me to be a full time mom. And more than that, He has encouraged me so. Which I find so comforting. I don't feel so much disciplined by Him, but more reminded of truth. Of truth about why this job matters. And of truth about my sin and my pride in wanting a job that brings glory and acclaim. And truth that I must believe in homemaking if I am to teach my daughters that they are called to be homemakers in a world that is becoming more and more anti-homemaking. I am still in process, so forgive me if this post is somewhat unclear. Just know that I will probably revisit this topic more over the next months, years, lifetime even. And for some encouragement of your own, please check out this blog. Every time I read it, I find myself in tears because I feel like God is reminding me that He notices the job that I do, and that is enough. That is all I need.

So many unexpected blessings (written on Saturday night)

Today I found myself sitting in Phillips Arena listening to Kay Arthur and later Beth Moore speak and teach and knock me on my tail with conviction.

And here is how I ended up there. One of my college bffs, Lindsay Krupicka, called me last night around 11 pm to see if I wanted a FREE ticket to hear Beth Moore speak. She and her mother were going, and they had an extra ticket. Well, I thought really quickly, made sure Scott was on board, and I ended up heading to downtown Atlanta at 8:30 this morning.

But let me go back even further. As you know from previous blogs, I have been in quite the funk lately, feeling lonely and just "down" in general. I am just ready for some real friendships here in McDonough, and then, this week, I had a lunch date with a girl from church and a double date plus Ada with a couple from church on Friday night. Best of all, I really, truly enjoyed each "outing." I think that the Lord was showing me that he loves me, and that he cares about my loneliness and general struggles with being a stay at home mom before he so blatantly took me to today's conference and showed me some hard truths about my attitude of late.

Kay Arthur was the speaker this morning. She is 74 years old and oozing with wisdom. She taught from Jeremiah, and said some pretty hard stuff. Stuff about the lies that are running so rampant in our country and how essential it is for us to be eating and breathing and living God's word so that we are not fooled into believing the lies. She then specifically talked about how important it is for parents to be teaching truth to their children. And this is when I felt so convicted. I just get so caught up and blinded by the mundane, everyday stuff, that I lose sight of the bigger picture. The bigger matter at hand. Ada's little heart. I so want her to know and understand and desire truth from such a young age, and that is why I am at home. Not to cook and clean and "keep house," though those things have to be done, of course, but they aren't the primary focus. Training Ada's heart is the primary focus. Walking and talking and telling her constantly about the gospel, and living the gospel before her (and any other children the Lord chooses to give us). And oh how overwhelming that is. Because most days I fail miserably at living out the gospel, you know? The practical thing I walked away with is that I must, must, must be in the word of God. I must realize the absolute truth that, "man does not live by bread alone, but by the very words that proceed from the mouth of the Lord," (Deut. 8:3). Now, I believe whole heartedly that God cares about my loneliness and exhaustion and need for purpose, but I also believe that I will find contentment despite those things when I am spending time in his word everyday. And that the only way that I can teach and train Ada is to always be learning and growing.

And it is easy for all of that to overwhelm me and worry me, and that is when I have to remember that just as I did not earn my salvation, I cannot earn my children's salvation. I must be obedient, of course, to teach and train and speak of the gospel, but ultimately, God is sovereign. Ada's salvation is up to him. And my sin, my daily "mess-ups" cannot stop his sovereign plan.

Isn't it cool how God truly worked out all the details for me to hear that message this morning? I think so.

Those pesky lies nipping at my heels

Ever since this past weekend, I have been in such an unsettled mood. I wouldn't necessarily say bad mood, just unsettled maybe.

It's strange because I thought that this past weekend would leave me feeling refreshed and renewed and ready to be back at home in my normal routine, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. I haven't been able to figure out all of the reasons why.

I think that being in Atlanta this weekend, at a fun wedding where I was alone with Scott all dressed up and having fun with friends, surfaced some bitterness I might have about having to leave that life behind so quickly into marriage. It is confusing for me to explore these feelings because I love Ada so, so much, and I am so thankful that I get to be her mother. It makes it hard for me to deal with my feelings about the situation.

Sunday night at community group, a couple announced that they were pregnant, and it prompted the usual comments like, "oh my gosh, your life is about to change, and take any trips you want to take now, etc. etc," and that is when I began to feel the bitterness creep up. There is this voice in the back of my head that says, "it's not fair. I want more time with Scott, more time to do the things we wanted to do." And, obviously, I want Ada. I wouldn't change it even if I had a choice, so it's is this weird paradox where I somehow want both lives--the fun life we were living in midtown and this harder (but much, much richer) life we are living in our little suburb. And I think I get angry about the fact that I can't have them both. And it is way past time for me to deal with this. To give it to God. To acknowledge that this life is not about me and about how much fun I might have on any given day. It is about bringing him glory. I mean, let's face it, all I deserve anyway is death, and Christ died that I might have life, so obviously, this life is his. Whatever he wants to make of it. And how rich, how fortunate, how blessed I am that this life includes Ada and Scott.

And it's funny the way God works because I was reading the teenage-esque Robin Jones Gunn book this weekend, and the main character talked about how these lies chase us constantly, nipping at our heels, and the only way to deal with these lies is to stay so close to God, so immersed in his word and prayer, that the lies cannot get to us. And she talked about how if we let up at all, not immersing ourselves in what is true, then the lies creep in without us even realizing it. And the lies are creeping in this week. In fact, at times they have threatened to take over. But all it took was reading a little reminder of truth over at Ashley'sblog, and I feel so much better already. Truth is so, well, True. And just like God promises, it sets me free. Absolutely free. And that is the most settled feeling in the world.