I said in my last post that when I first began to think about moving into this rental house--when I first presented the idea to Scott--my main goal was to provide some stability for my children. It felt like we were in the middle of a storm and we just need to find a place to take cover until it all passed.
However, as the dust settled around us, as Scott grew accustomed to his new job at Home Depot and we realized it was absolutely an answer to the prayers we had been praying, and as we began to revisit our goals of getting out of debt and saving and giving, I began to pray a lot that God would change our view of what was normal for our family. After Ada was born, all I could believe was that what was best for us as a family must be a house in a suburb where we would be as comfortable as possible. That is the only thing I could see.
And of course motherhood changes us. And time changes us. And the realities of life change us. And I read lots of books and met lots of people and had lots of conversations that began to change me.
And I began to think that maybe, just maybe, God wanted a little something more for our family than just comfort. I don't know...maybe? That maybe comfortable didn't really have anything at all to do with it.
A while before Scott lost his job, it may have even been a while before we started praying for a new job and things got so crazy "up in the Moore house," I read Radical by David Platt. I loved what it said, and I found myself nodding a lot and underlining and agreeing, but what was I to do with that? It was a Christmas break, actually, and I had more time to read as we were visiting family, and I had no responsibilities at night once the kids were in bed--it was during that time that I finished reading the book, and I began to pray/think--often my thinking and praying blends into one, where I don't know which I am actually doing--and I remember thinking, "I want to be on board with this, but our house is in the way. What can we do?" Well, God took care of that, didn't he? ;) (Not that owning a house gets in the way of Platt's ideas in the book, just that our particular situation of owning a home got in our way of David Platt's ideas in Radical--are you following me?)
And then, I read Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. And that was life changing for me. Life Changing. As I began to live in the reality of who God is, and how I can lie back and rest in HIM even when everything around me is absolutely going nuts. I can rest in Him. David, in the Old Testament, literally lay down and slept, slept!!, when his own son was tracking him down to try to kill him, because David understood who he was resting in. We can let go of the fear and the worry. He is bigger, so much bigger than me and my view of things. And that means that it is better for me to say, God just show me what you want for our family. I let go of all of it. Show me where you want us to live, even if it so very different than what I always pictured. Even if it doesn't look like the American Dream. Or even if it does. Just please show me your will for us, not mine.
So, here we are at a sort of crossroads, or even a restart. It feels like (even though I don't believe this is how God works at all, but it feels like) we are back at the starting line, and God has hit the rewind button, and he is saying, "okay, let's try this again..." And to be honest with you, I sometimes feel frozen. I want flashing lights--voices over the intercom--BIG MAJOR signs telling us where to go next. We just so badly want to get it right this time. Which, of course, falls under not trusting God. I want some rules, I tell you. Give me some rules to follow. That I can do with the best of them. But, I keep hearing that God really isn't about the rules and us following them, because at the end of the day, we just can't get it right--even if we think we can. So, we are praying a lot and let's be honest, I'm wringing my hands and analyzing every single little detail in hopes that I don't miss out on some "secret message" from God about where to go from here. And I think this time it's less about making the perfect decision and more about free falling into who He is and his promise that he will say, "this is the way, walk in it..." so even though, right now, we can only see a few steps ahead of us before it gets dark again, we'll just take those few steps and trust that the next steps will follow and so on and so forth. And I just cry out to God to search our hearts--reveal the hidden motives--the things in me that want to take my family and hide us away in some comfortable place, instead of facing the reality of what God is calling us to do in light of the Gospel and His Kingdom and this world. I want to hear his voice, I want to be open to whatever he might want from us, even if it gets uncomfortable.