Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Rambling, as usual

I said that I wasn't blogging as much, and here I am, back again.

First, my pride feels the need to say that I didn't intend for yesterday's post to be about how busy I am or how hard I am working as a mom.  I was afraid that it came across a little, what's the word?, "showy?"  Anyway...I should probably just leave it alone, but it's been on my mind (and, again, it's probably just pride on my part).  I really have just started recording my days for posterity's sake.  Because it's fun to see at the end of the day what all the minutes and hours added up to.

Moving on.

My children's sleep habits are driving me NUTS.

I really, really, really, really want to get up before my family to exercise and read my bible.  I wholeheartedly believe that it would get my day going in a positive, happy, peaceful direction rather than jumping in at 7 am when little Ada yells, "let's go downstairs, mama!!!!  It's light outside!!!!"  I even have a friend texting me everyday for accountability to see if I woke up.  Monday, I had success.

Tuesday, as you know, started out successfully, but then both children woke up, and to insure that Ada didn't start her day at 5, I lay down with her.  It seemed the wisest decision at that point.

And last night was disaster from start to finish.

I got in bed early-ish.  11, maybe?  And I fell asleep fairly quickly.  Then John woke up, loudly, at midnight.  I was very frustrated.  (Want to see me at my absolute worst?  Wake me up in the middle of the night.  Hence the throwing pillows at Scott during our first year of marriage.)  Scott suggested that I go downstairs and sleep on the couch where I couldn't hear John.  Turns out I could hear John from the living room couch.  But he calmed down, and I went back to the bed and fell asleep.  John woke up again about an hour later, and I was even more frustrated.  Plus, Scott was sleeping right through the whole thing, and being totally honest, I took a lot of my frustration out on Scott.  (I was totally in the wrong).  Scott, probably for his own sake, suggested that I nurse John "just this once," so I agreed and that took care of that.  And next thing I know, I am waking up at 7 am in Ada's bed.  Well, that's a new one.  Many, many mornings I wake up to find Ada in between Scott and me, and I can never remember how she got there, but this is certainly the first time that I have woken up in her bed with no clue how I got there.  I still don't know.  But all of this night time chaos is preventing my early morning time, and I am very frustrated.  It's one of those times that I want to say to God, "isn't it a good thing for me to wake up and spend time with you?  Can't you help me out with this?"  Which I know isn't biblical, but it is how I feel.  And I am clueless as how to solve the situation.  If I let John cry-it-out, Ada wakes up.  And everyone tells me that she will get used to it, but gut instinct tells me that she won't.  And then we all end up awake at 1 am or 5 am or whatever.  And John is supposed to be weaned, but I don't know how to get him back to sleep in the middle of the night without nursing him.  It's becoming an all-night party around here, which is the exact opposite of what I am trying to accomplish.

I am going for early to bed, early to know?

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.  I still don't know what to do about the situation, other than the obvious--pray about it, and trust that if it really is best for me to wake up early, God will work out the details (like letting my children not wake up at 5 am just because I wake up at 5 am).

I am at a place, right now, where so many situations in my life (and not even major ones; mainly normal, daily stuff like my children's sleep habits) feel very out of my control, and, again, just being honest with you, I am not handling it very well.  Control continues to be an idol of mine, and I am sensing that God is taking away a lot of control in my life so that I will rest in Him instead of my idol.  Lately, I have two options, rest in God and the fact that he is working out the details of my life, or live in a state of constant anxiety.  I am in a bit of a lonely place, feeling distant from my family because I am not able to visit them the way I used to be able to--it's just not a possibility with my current tutoring schedule and such.  I am missing quality girl time because motherhood just doesn't allow that--I mean time with women apart from my children.  I am wishing for more time alone with Scott (thank you, Lord, and friends, for a date this past weekend!!!  I shouldn't complain).  And there are other things that I could list--things I don't feel the freedom to go into in such a public place.  Reality, though, is that I have been given so, so much, and I can't believe that I am even finding one thing to complain about.  I mean, really.  I wish I could grasp that and see the good, only the good.  There is so much good.  It is overflowing.

Okay, look at me, rambling on and on as usual.  Bottom line, I am hoping my children will start sleeping better;)


delongnb said...

I have never commented before (sorry!) but have been reading your blog for awhile. It first caught my interest because my 3-year-old is an August baby, just like Ada, and let's just say that they have had many things in common along the way. :-) I had to laugh when I read this post because Lily uses that same line about it being light outside when she wakes up in the morning! The longer the days get, the earlier she wakes up. All that to say that there are many things that you say that resonate with me. I now have a second daughter (8 months), and sometimes I have to work hard to focus on the blessings amidst the chaos and interrupted sleep. Your honesty is encouraging to me--just know that you aren't alone! I'll pray for good sleep for those kiddos and for a great start to your day.


LB said...

Beth, thanks for the comment!! We almost named Ada, lily. It helps to hear that I am not alone in the chaos:)

6kids4me said...

LB, I was wondering if you have a fan or some kind of noise machine in the kids' rooms. We use a box fan just for the noise. That way if I want to get up early etc. it doesn't disturb the "quiet" of the whole house. When we did the fans it sure was a blessing. I have been saying the following phrase to myself a lot lately. "This too shall pass". I hope things look up soon!!!

Jessica said...

praying for you...I feel frustrated too with my kids' sleep habits...particularly kate of course. I find myself nursing her at 1 am and thinking while I am doing it, wasn't i supposed to let her cry for a bit? How did I end up in this chair so fast! I think it's a good place to be though (not the chair) but a place where we are forced to lean on the lord and not our own understanding..hang in there friend

laura.murphree said...

I put the link on this commment bc I just read Holly's blog post yesterday and I thought it was amazing. Motherhood whether leaving the house to work or staying home to work is completely overwhelming. I never feel like I have time for anything esp. God time and girl time. I will be praying for you and please send your prayers my way too. BTW, I think the fan idea is great we have one in Kylie's room and it definitely keeps a lot of noise out. Also, I thing we have been doing for awhile now to get in our Bible time is we read the Bible and pray together every night as a family. Now of course this is not as smooth of a process as it may seem but it is something and a habit I want Kylie to learn. I hope you have a great day! It seems like it is going to be beautiful outside so hopefully the sun will do you all good.

shannon said...

love the truth of this post, LB! I too, found myself in T's bed the night before last - he wanted to watch TV @ about 2 AM. And I too want to be able to get up before he wakes up, but when you've been playing musical beds all night, it's just hard! hope some great, uninterrupted sleep is in your future tonight!

Nicole said...

Girl, I know how sleep issues can affect you! Ava was not a good sleeper. On the subject of nursing John, have you tried just holding him and rocking him back to sleep? I know that isn't much better than nursing because it requires you to get up. BUT if it helped you eliminate nursing during the night that might help some.

Melissa said...

Hey LB,
I haven't read blogs very much lately but I picked yours out to read today (thankfully!) and I felt like I was reading my life. My girls are in the same room so it has been a huge struggle to "let Evie cry it out," like we did with Ella. I can't tell you how many nights I would go to her and just nurse her so she would go back to sleep. She is weaned now but many nights, when she STILL wakes up, I wish I could run to her and nurse her back to sleep. I relate in the fact that Brandon sleeps through the ENTIRE "party" most nights too. Thankfully we don't remember a lot of the middle of the night arguments the next day that were always based on me getting upset with him because he didnt try to get up. He always said, "Well, I can't feed her?"haha, which is so true..but still some nights I just wanted him to get up before I did and try to comfort her. It is so so different with the second baby...we find ourselves parenting Evie a lot differently than with Ella. I am trying (TRYING!) to rest in the fact that it really is okay...she will turn out (with God's grace) to be exactly who God wants her to be, even if we give in to her waaaaay more than we ever did with Ella. We are learning through all of this aren't we? It is so hard being a mom/wife/friend...I miss my time with girls too!! Thanks so much for your honesty. Blessings~