Rambling, as usual

I said that I wasn't blogging as much, and here I am, back again.

First, my pride feels the need to say that I didn't intend for yesterday's post to be about how busy I am or how hard I am working as a mom.  I was afraid that it came across a little, what's the word?, "showy?"  Anyway...I should probably just leave it alone, but it's been on my mind (and, again, it's probably just pride on my part).  I really have just started recording my days for posterity's sake.  Because it's fun to see at the end of the day what all the minutes and hours added up to.

Moving on.

My children's sleep habits are driving me NUTS.

I really, really, really, really want to get up before my family to exercise and read my bible.  I wholeheartedly believe that it would get my day going in a positive, happy, peaceful direction rather than jumping in at 7 am when little Ada yells, "let's go downstairs, mama!!!!  It's light outside!!!!"  I even have a friend texting me everyday for accountability to see if I woke up.  Monday, I had success.

Tuesday, as you know, started out successfully, but then both children woke up, and to insure that Ada didn't start her day at 5, I lay down with her.  It seemed the wisest decision at that point.

And last night was disaster from start to finish.

I got in bed early-ish.  11, maybe?  And I fell asleep fairly quickly.  Then John woke up, loudly, at midnight.  I was very frustrated.  (Want to see me at my absolute worst?  Wake me up in the middle of the night.  Hence the throwing pillows at Scott during our first year of marriage.)  Scott suggested that I go downstairs and sleep on the couch where I couldn't hear John.  Turns out I could hear John from the living room couch.  But he calmed down, and I went back to the bed and fell asleep.  John woke up again about an hour later, and I was even more frustrated.  Plus, Scott was sleeping right through the whole thing, and being totally honest, I took a lot of my frustration out on Scott.  (I was totally in the wrong).  Scott, probably for his own sake, suggested that I nurse John "just this once," so I agreed and that took care of that.  And next thing I know, I am waking up at 7 am in Ada's bed.  Well, that's a new one.  Many, many mornings I wake up to find Ada in between Scott and me, and I can never remember how she got there, but this is certainly the first time that I have woken up in her bed with no clue how I got there.  I still don't know.  But all of this night time chaos is preventing my early morning time, and I am very frustrated.  It's one of those times that I want to say to God, "isn't it a good thing for me to wake up and spend time with you?  Can't you help me out with this?"  Which I know isn't biblical, but it is how I feel.  And I am clueless as how to solve the situation.  If I let John cry-it-out, Ada wakes up.  And everyone tells me that she will get used to it, but gut instinct tells me that she won't.  And then we all end up awake at 1 am or 5 am or whatever.  And John is supposed to be weaned, but I don't know how to get him back to sleep in the middle of the night without nursing him.  It's becoming an all-night party around here, which is the exact opposite of what I am trying to accomplish.

I am going for early to bed, early to rise...you know?

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.  I still don't know what to do about the situation, other than the obvious--pray about it, and trust that if it really is best for me to wake up early, God will work out the details (like letting my children not wake up at 5 am just because I wake up at 5 am).

I am at a place, right now, where so many situations in my life (and not even major ones; mainly normal, daily stuff like my children's sleep habits) feel very out of my control, and, again, just being honest with you, I am not handling it very well.  Control continues to be an idol of mine, and I am sensing that God is taking away a lot of control in my life so that I will rest in Him instead of my idol.  Lately, I have two options, rest in God and the fact that he is working out the details of my life, or live in a state of constant anxiety.  I am in a bit of a lonely place, feeling distant from my family because I am not able to visit them the way I used to be able to--it's just not a possibility with my current tutoring schedule and such.  I am missing quality girl time because motherhood just doesn't allow that--I mean time with women apart from my children.  I am wishing for more time alone with Scott (thank you, Lord, and friends, for a date this past weekend!!!  I shouldn't complain).  And there are other things that I could list--things I don't feel the freedom to go into in such a public place.  Reality, though, is that I have been given so, so much, and I can't believe that I am even finding one thing to complain about.  I mean, really.  I wish I could grasp that and see the good, only the good.  There is so much good.  It is overflowing.

Okay, look at me, rambling on and on as usual.  Bottom line, I am hoping my children will start sleeping better;)