Ever since this past weekend, I have been in such an unsettled mood. I wouldn't necessarily say bad mood, just unsettled maybe.
It's strange because I thought that this past weekend would leave me feeling refreshed and renewed and ready to be back at home in my normal routine, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. I haven't been able to figure out all of the reasons why.
I think that being in Atlanta this weekend, at a fun wedding where I was alone with Scott all dressed up and having fun with friends, surfaced some bitterness I might have about having to leave that life behind so quickly into marriage. It is confusing for me to explore these feelings because I love Ada so, so much, and I am so thankful that I get to be her mother. It makes it hard for me to deal with my feelings about the situation.
Sunday night at community group, a couple announced that they were pregnant, and it prompted the usual comments like, "oh my gosh, your life is about to change, and take any trips you want to take now, etc. etc," and that is when I began to feel the bitterness creep up. There is this voice in the back of my head that says, "it's not fair. I want more time with Scott, more time to do the things we wanted to do." And, obviously, I want Ada. I wouldn't change it even if I had a choice, so it's is this weird paradox where I somehow want both lives--the fun life we were living in midtown and this harder (but much, much richer) life we are living in our little suburb. And I think I get angry about the fact that I can't have them both. And it is way past time for me to deal with this. To give it to God. To acknowledge that this life is not about me and about how much fun I might have on any given day. It is about bringing him glory. I mean, let's face it, all I deserve anyway is death, and Christ died that I might have life, so obviously, this life is his. Whatever he wants to make of it. And how rich, how fortunate, how blessed I am that this life includes Ada and Scott.
And it's funny the way God works because I was reading the teenage-esque Robin Jones Gunn book this weekend, and the main character talked about how these lies chase us constantly, nipping at our heels, and the only way to deal with these lies is to stay so close to God, so immersed in his word and prayer, that the lies cannot get to us. And she talked about how if we let up at all, not immersing ourselves in what is true, then the lies creep in without us even realizing it. And the lies are creeping in this week. In fact, at times they have threatened to take over. But all it took was reading a little reminder of truth over at Ashley'sblog, and I feel so much better already. Truth is so, well, True. And just like God promises, it sets me free. Absolutely free. And that is the most settled feeling in the world.
5 comments:
Thanks for being so open LB. I can totally understand why you would be feeling all of those things. It's in our human nature to want all the good parts. I think it's amazing that we can feel two seemingly opposite things simultaneously. I'll be praying that God provides you with contentment as well as comfort as you grieve some significant losses.
LB, another great post. Again, you do not know what a ministry it is to see people be real. Especially mothers. These blogs should always be to share - good and bad. You do an awesome job of that! As far as the lies that creep up to you, you are right on the money: immersion in truth is the only way. Today as I did a morning walk/prayer time, I prayed that very thing - that God would so blind me by his truth and love that I would be unable to focus on my own problems! And that I would continue to completely rely on him for life and breath! That's the only way to battle those lies! Abide in Christ.
And it's never easy. So funny how you wish for what I have and I wish for yours. Let's just be honest: neither are perfect - amen?
Oh, and yes, you are welcome to borrow my book. It's a GREAT book. She is a "right-on" author - no silly stuff!
Hey! Sorry and thankful you're dealing with all that stuff. Isn't it crazy when things come up you didn't even know were there? Sin and pride and the enemy are always right under the surface, just waiting. I would like that book before you send it back to Ashley. Also, about that pic of Ellie, now that you mention it, it does specifically remind me of that picture at the beach-you are crouched down in the sand and I am standing looking at the water with a major crack attack :)
That is so cool! Like I told Ann..I enjoy reading your (Ann's too) blog so much. :) Ada is so cute and you write so well! :)
Hollen
thanks for the encouraging words, everyone.
Hollen, I am so glad that you read the blog. Didn't you say that you read the Christy Miller series? Have you read the new Katie Welden book? It is so good!!
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