Saturday, July 19, 2008
Everywhere I turn there are children buying school supplies
This fall marks the first fall since I was six that I didn't go back to school. Okay, I didn't go back to school last fall, but that doesn't count because I was oblivious to anything but my due date that was staring me in the face. So this is the first fall that counts, and I didn't realize how sad I would feel. I just keep seeing the signs for school supplies, and back to school clothes, and moms with kids checking off lists in Target, and I just keep feeling that small sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. What I wish is that I could pack Ada up with my bag of books and take her right into the classroom with me, just like when I was pregnant, but of course, that's not possible. And, for me, it's not possible for me to go without her, so I just have to live with the sad feeling. I love the start of a new school year--so much possibility. A clean slate. New goals. I loved that I had a job where I always got a second chance. Now fall and back to school will always mark another year of Ada's life. Okay, not really fall, but since back to school now happens in August, it is the same time as Ada's birth. It makes me want to try once more to find a job where I can teach online. Not tutor, teach. I know what I will find, that I don't have enough experience, but hey, it's worth another shot. Anyway, it's just one of those days where I am wishing I could live a double life, have the best of both worlds, and I needed to share with someone.