I am needing some space today. Space to breath and run and think and move and remember who I am beyond motherhood.
I spent my 18th summer in China, forming relationships with students in an effort to share the gospel. By the end of that summer, I was tired and hot and used up. I was completely empty. I remember walking around my campus, the air so thick and gray, praying and asking the Lord to fill me up. I was there so that the Lord could pour me out, but there was nothing left to pour. I said, "Lord, you will have to fill me up. There is nothing left."
I am feeling like that today. Very empty.
These kids, this family, they need me to pour myself out, but I don't feel like there is anything in here to pour. All week I have felt aimless. I wake up and stumble about, going through the motions, eyes barely open. And I know that this is not motherhood at its best. There has got to be a better way.
I set my alarm for 6 am. I had big plans to get up before the rest of the house. I needed the quiet. I wanted to slip out the door, and run, hoping that in the slap-lift-slap-lift of my tennis shoes on the pavement, and in the breath-pray-breath-pray of the run, I would come home filled up, with a bit more purpose in my mothering and homemaking.
But then, John woke up at 11:30 and 1:30 and 3:30 and 5:30, and 6 am was just too much. 7:45 am also felt like too much, but I didn't have a choice at that point.
So...I am still on the quest to find some space. I have to figure out how all of this works together--the mothering, and the "wifing," and the writing, and the teaching, and the running, and all the parts of me that are me. He knit me together after all. I don't think he meant for me to lay everything else aside when He made me mom. I think it is those other things that make me this mom.
So... I am going to find that space.