I am needing some space today. Space to breath and run and think and move and remember who I am beyond motherhood.
I spent my 18th summer in China, forming relationships with students in an effort to share the gospel. By the end of that summer, I was tired and hot and used up. I was completely empty. I remember walking around my campus, the air so thick and gray, praying and asking the Lord to fill me up. I was there so that the Lord could pour me out, but there was nothing left to pour. I said, "Lord, you will have to fill me up. There is nothing left."
I am feeling like that today. Very empty.
These kids, this family, they need me to pour myself out, but I don't feel like there is anything in here to pour. All week I have felt aimless. I wake up and stumble about, going through the motions, eyes barely open. And I know that this is not motherhood at its best. There has got to be a better way.
I set my alarm for 6 am. I had big plans to get up before the rest of the house. I needed the quiet. I wanted to slip out the door, and run, hoping that in the slap-lift-slap-lift of my tennis shoes on the pavement, and in the breath-pray-breath-pray of the run, I would come home filled up, with a bit more purpose in my mothering and homemaking.
But then, John woke up at 11:30 and 1:30 and 3:30 and 5:30, and 6 am was just too much. 7:45 am also felt like too much, but I didn't have a choice at that point.
So...I am still on the quest to find some space. I have to figure out how all of this works together--the mothering, and the "wifing," and the writing, and the teaching, and the running, and all the parts of me that are me. He knit me together after all. I don't think he meant for me to lay everything else aside when He made me mom. I think it is those other things that make me this mom.
So... I am going to find that space.
8 comments:
I can so relate to your post...motherhood is wonderful but the most draining job ever. We don't want to lose ourselves along the way.
LB- I too can sooo relate to your post! Today has been an awesome day because T.R. gave me an unlimited amount of time to just go paint, read, whatever... after just two hours I felt sooo refreshed. Us moms need that quiet time for ourselves much more than we get it.. but I'm praying that you get it this weekend!
lb, thanks for sharing
i can totally relate to the china, being empty and being a mother :) i will definitely be praying for you...i will be praying that you get rest...since it is daytime here while everyone in the states is sleeping...i will pray then...pray that little john will sleep so that you can get that much needed rest!!!
i hear what you are sharing. unfortunately, the job you do is very demanding. do yuo have a person who might just come to the house for an hour so you can get some sleep or just do something for yourself. you deserve this. hope Sunday is quieter.
oh my goodness, yay God! :) I was praying for you and little John so much during my day...when I would feed Jack or rock him, I would lift up John and that Father would keep him asleep..and boy He sure did!! :) I am so excited that you got to get up and exercise and read too, I can totally relate in that, everyone is much happier when Mommy get's that in the day :) And you got the timing exactly right..just got both kids in bed and now sitting down to wind down!
I have to ask you to pray for me now as you are up all day..sweet Sadie is having nightmares..it is horrible, will you pray for her today? She has been waking up at 4am or so really upset saying lions and bears are getting her. Will you pray that Father will comfort her and give her peace so that she will sleep? (esp at 4pm your time! that is when they usually hit) Thanks friend and I will give you an update on her sleep when I wake up :)
Have a wonderful day!! :)
Hey Friend..thanks so much for your prayers!! Sadie only woke up at 10:30 last night for a few minutes and then went back to sleep...so keep those prayers coming!
If I have my timing right..your kids should be going down and you should be settling for the night..and I just finished my q.t. and exercise...love the time difference :)
Read this verse today and I am praying it over you tonight as you sleep:
I lay down and sleep, I woke again for the Lord sustained me. Ps. 3:5
Sleep well and I will be praying for you and John all day today! :)
Love this post. I had a not-so-great weekend, and I was feeling selfish for wanting to do my own things and just be alone for a little while. Thanks for reminding me that this is a struggle we all face...it helps a little to know we aren't alone!
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