Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Gray Day

First of all, is gray the color spelled with an a or an e? I never know the answer to that. If a word is not spelled phonetically, I have such a hard time remembering how to spell it.

Anyway...it's been a gray day is oh so many ways. Outside, my mood, Ada's behavior.

Let's start with what has made me excited today.

1. Ada slept until 8:30. Thank you, Lord. Oh my word, that is such a treat. I felt so rested and relaxed when I woke up at that late hour and the rain was pouring outside my window. I found Ada sitting up in bed, contentedly playing with her stuffed animals. By the way, her new thing is to wake up and call out, "Laura Beth, where are you?" Don't know why she is calling me by name. If I ask her what my name is, she responds, "Mommy Moore," but she calls me Laura Beth all the time. So strange, but it causes me to start each day with laughter. It cracks me up to hear my little two year old call me by name.

2. Mixed in with my laundry were all of the little infant clothes that I am getting ready for John's arrival. It was very fun to fold tiny newborn gowns and onesies. I asked Ada whose clothes they were, and she responded, "Baby John's." Then she hugged his pile of clothes and said, "awwwww."

3. After having a very gray, hormonal, pregnant type day, Scott and I threw caution to the wind and ate a comforting meal at Cracker Barrel tonight. We never do that sort of thing, just going out to dinner in the middle of the week, but my kitchen was a mess, my emotions were a mess, and next to going to my mom's house for dinner, Cracker Barrel seemed like the solution. It was just the thing I needed to sit down and have someone serve me dinner and clean up after me. (mom, I really wished I lived in Scottsboro tonight. I felt like I needed mothering.)

There are no reasons why it was a gloomy day for me. I just felt hormonal. I chalked it up to pregnancy. My house wasn't as clean as I hoped for. Ada struggled (as usual) with first time obedience. Hey, Ada struggles with fifth time obedience;) I pinched and spanked and pleaded and timed out, and we survived the day, and we had a few successes mixed in. I had to cancel tutoring when the weather caused Scott to be stuck in traffic on 75. I hate canceling tutoring because I feel like I am letting the family down, so that contributed a bit to the gloominess. And you know, my stomach is just in the way these days. It's hard to bend over and do the daily stuff. I have heartburn, and I feel huge, and you know... But today as I bent over to put clothes into the dryer, and I once again felt like I was running out of room for my growing stomach, I was reminded of little Ada. How once she was the one making me feel claustrophobic in my own body. And I realized how very worth it it is. Oh man. Such a small price to pay for a life growing inside of me. And when I feel something that is very clearly a fist or a foot, I get so excited just thinking about meeting this little boy (please keep him safe, Lord).

In my Thursday night women's bible study, we all have picked accountability questions for the year. Then, each week we report on how things are going. One of my questions is, "am I dwelling on truth or lies?" Because I am of the melancholy sort, my brain can become rather clouded with negative thoughts, usually thoughts that are not even true. I was convicted a few weeks ago that I must constantly be in the word--"the truth" if you will--in order to replace those thoughts. After my post a few weeks ago on the role that the word is to play in our lives, I decided to wander on over to Girl Talk: Biblical Womanhood and see what those girls had to say about daily quiet times. Taking their advice, I ordered the book, For the Love of God, by D.A. Carson, which takes you through the bible in a year (or two years if that works better for your schedule). The goal is to read four chapters of the bible each day, covering a broad spectrum of both the old and new testament, and then Carson provides some thoughts on the days reading. I am really loving this book because the main focus is the bible. Many studies that I have done in the past had me read a few verses and then much of the study was spent reading a man (or woman's) thoughts. That is not the case with this book. Though today is not a good example, I have seen a shift in my negative thinking as I deliberately saturate myself in the word of God and his gospel!!!!!!!! I have also been reading The Valley of Vision as a part of my daily study. Do you know about this book? It's a good one. Mom gave it to me a few Christmases back, and I really love it. It's a book of Puritan prayers, which all point out both the reality of my sin and the good news of the gospel in light of that sin.

What about you? I know that many of you might not struggle as much as I do with negative thinking, but I do think it's common among us women. What strategies do you have for replacing lies with truth? I am always up for a little advice.


Sarah Garner said...

I was reading your blog on my phone while I was going to bed and literally got up and came downstairs to my computer to comment. I think it is important that you know you are not alone. I am also of the "melancholy sort". I love how you put that. I think deep down most women are no matter what happy face they put on. Those are my thoughts. Like you, I try to get in scripture and memorize and fight getting down. I think you are doing it a great way and I get so much encouragement from your honesty. Just thought you should know! Love you! Back to bed for me!

Ashley said...

LB, I completely relate to this post. And, you're right - women really struggle with this. For me (recently), it helps me to "talk it out" with girlfriends. I have some really dear friends who will look at me in the face and tell me that what I'm saying or thinking is just not true. That, and the constant fellowship with other believers and time in bible study or church - it's what we must do. Hang in there, you're not alone.

And, A and I read through the bible, too. We had bought Carson's book a couple of years ago and ended up doing another plan for our reading. I may have to jump back on that one come January!

Rachel said...

Oh LB, you are so not alone in this fight. You may not even know this, but you helped me through one of the toughest times in my life. I thought I was alone in my pit as well, but you lovingly reminded me that, no I was not. I remember those emotional pregnant days like the back of my hand... and the "gray" days afterwards too. Stay in the Word- I promise you will find comfort- you already know this, but sometimes it helps to hear it again and again- you are an AMAZING mom, and the work you are doing to further The Kingdom will come back to you ten-fold :)