My Melancholy Self

I have been feeling a bit melancholy lately, and if I take the time to sit down and think through all the reasons why, I am sure I could come up with some, but I hate to complain.

My women's bible study, which is quite the refuge for me every Thursday night, is currently reading the book, Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow. It is a fabulous book, and by fabulous I mean kick me in the tail convicting. Yikes is all I have to say. The whole purpose of the book is to join Paul in learning that secret to being content (Philippians 4:11-13), and though we are only in chapter four, I have already figured out that the secret has nothing to do with my circumstances. I am guessing that it is no coincidence that I find myself in this group, reading this book, at this particular time in my life. God has a way of working out all the details, doesn't he?

I have a strong tendency towards melancholy--it has shown up all throughout my life. Let me give a shameful example. My highschool boyfriend had to write this paper for school once where he listed some of his favorite things. One of his favorite things was "when his girlfriend was in a good mood." In other words, those times were few and far between. It was quite the eye opener back then, and that memory has stuck with me throughout my life. I try to ask myself daily, am I more often in a good mood or a bad mood these days? Lately, I must confess, that if you asked Scott that question, he would probably say that I am most often in a bad mood. Or maybe sad is the better term.

Now, we all know that I have not one single thing to be sad about. I am tired, it's true. And I do feel most days like I am running some sort of race and the finish line keeps getting farther away from me rather than closer, but God has promised to be my strength at times like these. And thankfully God has brought me quite far in comparison to that 16 year old girl who often stayed in a bad mood--What He has started he will bring to completion, right? In the ten years that have passed, I have learned practical ways that I can control this melancholy mind of mine. One being exercise. Exercise is quite the miracle worker, actually. Truly nothing improves my mood and energy level like exercise. Keeping that in mind, I am hoping to buy about six weeks worth of classes at Gold's Gym. I have gathered up any clothes and shoes that I know I will never wear again, and I am taking those things to Plato's Closet to sell. I am crossing my fingers that they will provide me the money needed to take the classes. Plus, Gold's Gym has child care, so it would give me an hour a day that is just for me, and Ada seems to enjoy nursery situations.

And the new thing that I plan to try is a meal plan template for every week. With all the tutoring that I am doing, I don't have much extra time on my hands, and I am feeling rather bogged down in the couponing and sale matching and meal planning. I am hoping this will free up some of that time. I am hoping to do something like homemade pizza every Saturday night, brunch every Sunday afternoon, pasta every Monday night, etc. etc., and this way it will reduce the amount of thought that I have to put into meal planning each week. It will also give me a better idea of what items I need to stockpile and what items I can pass up. During this season of life when the funds are tight and time is precious, anything that simplifies our life seems to be key.

I say all of the above just to keep myself accountable and transparent. This melancholy thing has been a sin area my whole life, and it's easy for me to say, "oh, it's just my personality." But that is in no way biblical. I have been around women in much more stressful situations than mine, and joy literally radiates from their face and conversation. I pray that God would make that joy a reality in my life, and that I can join Paul in saying, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (and here is that secret) I can do everything through him who gives me strength," Philippians 4:11-13.